Tuesday January 21st 2003

Another interesting thing that happened this weekend is that my friend Angela went to the march in Washington protesting the war. It sounds like it was amazing, so many different groups of people coming together for a cause. They all just want peace, and I have to agree that it's a wonderful thing.







... Obviously. Ahh, how we all wanna save the world and make a difference.

Tuesday January 21st 2003

Dear Journal,
I had a pretty good weekend. Work wasn't so bad and otherwise I really just hung out.
I'm feeling good right now, I mean not physically, but mentally, emotionally.
But lately I've been realizing how much I'm really going to miss my friends next year. I am going to be SO lost without them, it's like they make me complete! I know that is so dorky but it's true.
Leah laughs at everything I say and knows EVERYTHING about me, Leanne has this fun energy that rubs off on everyone. Annie is just crazy, I've never met anyone so interesting, Jess is that girl that really just wants to let loose and have fun, and when she gets the chance she's always up for anything, and Kristen and I have the same weird sense of humor. The only bad thing about having so many amazing friends is that at the end of the summer I have to say good-bye to them. So for now, we're having as much fun as possible! Oh man!

LL

My loves.

Sunday January 12th 2003

Dear Journal,
I had a very good weekend! I didn't work at all which was quite nice, definitely not looking forward to going back to the Old Field Club ... I basically spent this weekend with my girls, Leah, Leanne, Jess, Annie and Kristen- living at Leanne's house. When we're there, doing nothing becomes fun! Hmm, I realize now, for the first time, what it means to not want a relationship. I used to wish for one ... but now I don't. Bad timing of course, because I think my friend is developing feelings for me- but I can't do it, I really can't. It's not just that I'm not attracted to him- I see things in him that no one else knows are there- and I know, maybe I'm letting something potentially wonderful pass me by, but right now I'm not that girl. What does he possibly see in me?

LL


... why couldn't high school be more like Sixteen Candles and less like reality?!

August 27th 2005

... Just because I know who I am now doesn't mean that I know anything else.

LL

Still true.

August 25th 2005

I just read through some of my journals from the castle. Maybe a mistake, opening some old wounds.
The greatest time of my life was also the worst.
Oh God.

LL

We were all the happiest we've ever been, and the saddest all at once.

August 24th 2005

I just read through some of my old journals. It's intense, how I can read them, then see myself doing those things, feeling that way - a memory I had forgotten completely ... and it's so easy to feel foolish at what seem like silly experiences, childish stories. Looking back it's always easy to spot. I took my life too seriously when I was younger, but I also got great joy out of innocent, youthful things, like going to an amusement park with my girlfriends, having sleepovers, birthday parties. My feelings seem silly, when I look back, but that's how I learn. I think old people have the secret to life.

LL

Well, that just keeps becoming clearer.

Thursday August 18th 2005

Sometimes I wonder how I got into this warped universe. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else is in here with me.
I wonder what can possibly be real any more, what the good feels like. I see it all around me; no one wants to care about anyone else any more. Everyone seems to have adjusted, but I'm left with my head in the clouds because I see an alternative. I see what it should be. And my heart is always breaking because I refuse this bitter reality, this sorrowful truth. I will forever wander towards the place that must exist, it must, because that is all that keeps us alive, and my fear, not my only but my most integral, prominent and excruciating fear - is that I won't find it, because I have a poor sense of direction.
Right now, the truth would be an acceptable start. The real truth, the first truth; when did this begin?
My life will always be a little sadder, but I will always be that much wiser.

LL

There I go again, getting lost in my words. I have a pretty good idea of what I meant. Being heartbroken is so glamorous.

8/17/05

I'm sitting in Bridgeport waiting for the ferry. Crazy couple of days. I'm ready to go home, even if it is for a short while only. I just want to take it easy and slow my roll a bit.

-- Got to Johnny's apt. at 5am. Went to sleep. Woke up at 1:17pm. Went to lunch. Went shopping for jeans. No luck. Showered. Got my suitcase searched at the Astor Place subway. Took the 6 to Grand Central. Got confused. Got on a train to Southeast. Last stop. Iz and Kel drive up in a Jeep. I pee near the train tracks. We drink wine. Go out to an expensive dinner. More wine. Get mixers at the gas station. Go to a huge house party. Barely remember it. Play flip-cup. Play beer pong. Lose. Go to Iz's parents' liquor store and take three cases of beer. Definitely on camera. Get back to party. Things are fuzzy. Climb over chairs upstairs. Fight breaks out. One guy throws rock at another. I jump a fence into the bushes. Legs bloody. Boy is very dazed. Crazy ride home. Apparently Kelly and I try to make food. I wake up in a bed upstairs, fully clothed, at 9am. I feel like absolute shit. Later find out that we left the oven on all night at 450. Kel woke up on the couch at 6am and turned it off. Fire alarm went off. Good, we almost burned down the house. Hungover, try to clean. Can't find Kel's keys so can't go home. Watch TLC. Take Izzy's mom's car to NJ. Go out to dinner with Kelly's mom. Drive back to Ct. Shower. Go to Pancho's bar, drink a frozen cranberry margarita. Go to Iz's friends house. Play beer pong. Smoke a blunt and a few bowls. The kid's cousin is an ignorant asshole and I don't like him. We leave. Roll a joint with Iz's brother and his friends. Watch them play pong and have a good night beer. Go to bed. Wake up at 8:30am. Drive to Bridgeport with Kelly. On the ferry. Gotta go pay.

I like to watch my eyelashes batting in the sea breeze.

LL

August 16th 2005

Every time I try to do something normal, it gets fucked up. That's how I knew the sorority would be a fascinating idea.
It's not a complaint, because my unique outcome of seemingly "normal" situations isn't always a bad thing, it's just something I've been aware of.

Me, Izzy and Kel were absolutely out of control last night. There is a lot of the evening that I don't remember, like the ride home with Izzy behind the wheel. I know it wasn't smart. There was a fight and I hopped a fence into some bushes to see if the guy was okay. It cut my legs up. No one but us seemed to care. Today Kel and I got stuck here because she couldn't find her keys. We drove to Ringwood NJ in Izzy's mom's car and when we got there we found them in the blasted glove compartment. Ridiculous. We had dinner with her mom and sister, which was nice. Went to Pancho's tonight, then out. Smoked a lot of weed. Crazy thoughts, I love seeing the world through a finely tuned viewfinder. I can tweak it just so.
Home tomorrow. Necessary.

LL

What a night. Those two days will go down in history. A huge fight actually broke out at this party and some kid threw a rock at another kid's head. The three of us girls were at separate corners of the yard when all of a sudden we all go running over, and there we are, in the middle of it trying to help, while no one else even looked up from their flip cup games.
And we almost burned down Izzy's house, so there's that.

Monday, August 15th 2005

Johnny and I had quite the day of travel yesterday. Our flight out of Long Beach took off at 3:45pm. It took us no time to check in at Long Beach, and when we took off the captain told us that we may actually get to JFK early. Once we got over Michigan they announced that weather conditions in NY were preventing us from landing, so we circled a while before being re-routed to Buffalo. We couldn't get off the plane so we sat on the ground for an hour before we took off again. When we did get to JFK we circled again, then when we finally landed we taxied on the runway for 30 minutes. It took forever to get our luggage, we were pretty delirious, so we played some great games with the suitcases that went by repeatedly. Finally out, we waited in line for a taxi for about an hour, finally home to bed by 5am. Long Night!
San Diego was great though, I love that we've both had a chance to go home with each other and see where and how we grew up. His family is a lot like my own, they were fun to stay with and we had a very drunken week.
It's going to be weird not seeing Johnny all the time. I feel like he's been such a staple. I think we see a lot of ourselves in each other and we can appreciate and value ourselves more by what we see in the other. We're very much on the same level with how we see the world and how we see ourselves within it. On Tuesday night, after getting thoroughly drunk, we went in his hot tub and had some cocktails around 4am, then climbed out of his bedroom window to smoke cigarettes before walking down to the park and playing on the swings while having a great talk about all kinds of things, our pasts specifically, about how we're figuring out who we are. I think he is one of the most interesting and intelligent people I know, and that's what people may not immediately pick up on. He's amazing, I love him, and I am going to miss him terribly. Now I just need to find a straight boy with all my favorite qualities of his and I will be all set.

I'm on a train to Connecticut to see Kel and Izzy. I've never taken a train out of Grand Central and I feel like I'm being snapped at whenever I ask for help.
Tonight will be fun!

LL

This portion of my journal is like one long slobbery love letter to JrH. He's gotten me through a lot of obstacles in my life, and he deserves all of that ridiculous praise.
The night in Connecticut ... well more about that later.

August 12 2005

We've been having a blast here in San Diego. Far too much drinking of course.
I wish I could have more West Coast playtime. I'm going to miss Johnny. A lot.

LL

My August trips to San Diego were the best.

August 10, 2005, 5:01am Pacific Time

You wanted it to be- so, so badly. But deep down, you knew it wasn't. You knew it never would be.

August 13, 2005

At the Castle we had a cigarette rolling contest on the pool table in the Vorburcht lounge. I recalled, while watching it, a time in Ryan's car on Nesconset Highway when he had taken up rolling his own smokes. He was speaking to me, fumbling with the stereo, and driving while rolling a cigarette.

I don't know that a day will ever go by that I don't think about the 'Sam thing.' I wish there was a better name for it. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY ... I truly wonder how far it is, but I don't worry, just wonder. I now know that nobody on earth, even my closest friends, will ever have the slightest idea what this was, what it meant, how it felt, how it hurt.
I don't have the power to make them understand. I don't.

It has been such a trip being home with Johnny- the people I've met, the places we've been, seeing what's his- a past that I will never really know, while we have our own world that they can never know.
I'm fascinated. Tired. Stoned.

LL

If one is to smoke, I feel they should roll their own cigs. Summer of 2005 was incredible, but I was so very sad.

August 9, 2005

I'm on a plane to Long Beach right now, turbulence of course.
-Sidebar- sometimes I fear that I will carry this pain with me for all my days, that it will haunt me all of my life, and I wonder, will another person ever be able to restore my faith, or must I do this myself? These days I feel I can do almost anything, but that is quite a tall measure. There is only so much one can do alone, you cannot ignore the necessity of other people, the need for them to be a part of your life, and the need for their love. I am excited for September. I will move back to Boston and put on a brave face, but I know I won't be the only one who sees through it sometimes.
I can't make any predictions, one of the fascinating things about life is the way in which it changes directions, the experiences that don't go along with the plans you've made. I never thought I would be on a plane to California right now, headed to San Diego to visit Johnny's family for a week. I thought this August I would visit Sam. I really thought I would find truth in all of this, and I did, I certainly did, but I found the truth about myself, the truth within myself.
It sounds ridiculous, but it's what I have to take away.
Despite what many say we are not entirely in control of our own destinies. We have very little power, even over our own lives. What we do have is our ability to live, to connect with others, to communicate and share ourselves with the world. I know I have the intelligence within, I know I have the capacity to teach someone, to change someone, to brighten the lives of others. I also have the capacity to learn, to change myself, and to be brightened.
I have learned incredible things this year, some uplifting, some entirely heartbreaking, but now that my eyes are open, I never want to close them.

LL


So. Serious.

August 6th, 2005

Last days in NYC have been a blast, yet they've had that 'impending' feeling - something's ending, something's changing, something's beginning too.
On Thursday a bunch of us went out for afternoon drinks at BBQ, which is always fun, I'll miss my afternoon buzz that always comes from giant pina coladas with an extra shot! We went out that night with Johnny's roomies, Katie and Kaitlin, and some of their friends. We had a great time. Leah and I were really stoned, so as usual we thought the two of us were the most fascinating people we came across. Leah and I always have the silliest, most ridiculous time. I can't believe we've been best friends for ten years- that's incredible.
Yesterday the two of us smoked two joints on my roof then went on quite an adventure to the MoMA, Museum of Modern Art. There was an incredible Cezanne/Pisarro exhibit that totally blew our minds! We just wandered around stoned and had a great time.

On a 4 train to the Bronx to meet Ryan and Jaine.

LL

BBQ + MoMA = class.

Saturday July 30th 2005

Johnny and I took a nice long walk down through Tribeca and to the pier and it was really, really nice. I made him take a picture with me that had the Statue of Liberty in the background. He'll be glad he did.

While we were sitting on a bench by the water he said, "Isn't it strange how before something happens you have an idea of what it's going to be, but it never turns out like you thought, and then you really can't remember what you had expected?"
It was funny that he said that because I think about it all of the time. I try not to get those ideas in my head any more, anticipate things in that way, but I think it's nearly impossible, it can't be helped. It's something we do. Nothing ever turns out the way I expect. That's not a bad thing. It just is.
I think I am becoming more comfortable with endings. I lived in the Castle, and after adjusting to that life, it ended, and I came back home. Then I moved in here. I took it for granted, seeing Johnny every day. Maybe not for granted, but I got used to it. Now this life I've adjusted to is ending. It all flies by so fast, so insanely fast. But I'm becoming more accepting of endings because they inevitably lead to new beginnings.

LL

Well, I'm certainly glad I made him take it ... although not so much on lady liberty, she's barely there.

July 27th 2005, 12:38pm

I just started crying a little at my desk.
I think it's important to find the silver lining on every cloud, and as hard as life has been at times over these past few months, I know I will always be okay - not only because I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible, but also because I have some amazingly loyal and loving people in my life who know the person I am, and who truly value me, as well as our friendship.
Life hurts sometimes; it can be brutal, but you can't have a rose without the thorns, and I can overcome the bad because the good is really beautiful.

Laura Leigh

I would say that it's so juvenile and mortifying to cry at your desk, but I'm pretty sure that I've done it like 3 times in the past month ...