I'm sitting in Bridgeport waiting for the ferry. Crazy couple of days. I'm ready to go home, even if it is for a short while only. I just want to take it easy and slow my roll a bit.
-- Got to Johnny's apt. at 5am. Went to sleep. Woke up at 1:17pm. Went to lunch. Went shopping for jeans. No luck. Showered. Got my suitcase searched at the Astor Place subway. Took the 6 to Grand Central. Got confused. Got on a train to Southeast. Last stop. Iz and Kel drive up in a Jeep. I pee near the train tracks. We drink wine. Go out to an expensive dinner. More wine. Get mixers at the gas station. Go to a huge house party. Barely remember it. Play flip-cup. Play beer pong. Lose. Go to Iz's parents' liquor store and take three cases of beer. Definitely on camera. Get back to party. Things are fuzzy. Climb over chairs upstairs. Fight breaks out. One guy throws rock at another. I jump a fence into the bushes. Legs bloody. Boy is very dazed. Crazy ride home. Apparently Kelly and I try to make food. I wake up in a bed upstairs, fully clothed, at 9am. I feel like absolute shit. Later find out that we left the oven on all night at 450. Kel woke up on the couch at 6am and turned it off. Fire alarm went off. Good, we almost burned down the house. Hungover, try to clean. Can't find Kel's keys so can't go home. Watch TLC. Take Izzy's mom's car to NJ. Go out to dinner with Kelly's mom. Drive back to Ct. Shower. Go to Pancho's bar, drink a frozen cranberry margarita. Go to Iz's friends house. Play beer pong. Smoke a blunt and a few bowls. The kid's cousin is an ignorant asshole and I don't like him. We leave. Roll a joint with Iz's brother and his friends. Watch them play pong and have a good night beer. Go to bed. Wake up at 8:30am. Drive to Bridgeport with Kelly. On the ferry. Gotta go pay.
I like to watch my eyelashes batting in the sea breeze.
LL
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
August 16th 2005
Every time I try to do something normal, it gets fucked up. That's how I knew the sorority would be a fascinating idea.
It's not a complaint, because my unique outcome of seemingly "normal" situations isn't always a bad thing, it's just something I've been aware of.
Me, Izzy and Kel were absolutely out of control last night. There is a lot of the evening that I don't remember, like the ride home with Izzy behind the wheel. I know it wasn't smart. There was a fight and I hopped a fence into some bushes to see if the guy was okay. It cut my legs up. No one but us seemed to care. Today Kel and I got stuck here because she couldn't find her keys. We drove to Ringwood NJ in Izzy's mom's car and when we got there we found them in the blasted glove compartment. Ridiculous. We had dinner with her mom and sister, which was nice. Went to Pancho's tonight, then out. Smoked a lot of weed. Crazy thoughts, I love seeing the world through a finely tuned viewfinder. I can tweak it just so.
Home tomorrow. Necessary.
LL
What a night. Those two days will go down in history. A huge fight actually broke out at this party and some kid threw a rock at another kid's head. The three of us girls were at separate corners of the yard when all of a sudden we all go running over, and there we are, in the middle of it trying to help, while no one else even looked up from their flip cup games.
And we almost burned down Izzy's house, so there's that.
It's not a complaint, because my unique outcome of seemingly "normal" situations isn't always a bad thing, it's just something I've been aware of.
Me, Izzy and Kel were absolutely out of control last night. There is a lot of the evening that I don't remember, like the ride home with Izzy behind the wheel. I know it wasn't smart. There was a fight and I hopped a fence into some bushes to see if the guy was okay. It cut my legs up. No one but us seemed to care. Today Kel and I got stuck here because she couldn't find her keys. We drove to Ringwood NJ in Izzy's mom's car and when we got there we found them in the blasted glove compartment. Ridiculous. We had dinner with her mom and sister, which was nice. Went to Pancho's tonight, then out. Smoked a lot of weed. Crazy thoughts, I love seeing the world through a finely tuned viewfinder. I can tweak it just so.
Home tomorrow. Necessary.
LL
What a night. Those two days will go down in history. A huge fight actually broke out at this party and some kid threw a rock at another kid's head. The three of us girls were at separate corners of the yard when all of a sudden we all go running over, and there we are, in the middle of it trying to help, while no one else even looked up from their flip cup games.
And we almost burned down Izzy's house, so there's that.
Monday, August 15th 2005
Johnny and I had quite the day of travel yesterday. Our flight out of Long Beach took off at 3:45pm. It took us no time to check in at Long Beach, and when we took off the captain told us that we may actually get to JFK early. Once we got over Michigan they announced that weather conditions in NY were preventing us from landing, so we circled a while before being re-routed to Buffalo. We couldn't get off the plane so we sat on the ground for an hour before we took off again. When we did get to JFK we circled again, then when we finally landed we taxied on the runway for 30 minutes. It took forever to get our luggage, we were pretty delirious, so we played some great games with the suitcases that went by repeatedly. Finally out, we waited in line for a taxi for about an hour, finally home to bed by 5am. Long Night!
San Diego was great though, I love that we've both had a chance to go home with each other and see where and how we grew up. His family is a lot like my own, they were fun to stay with and we had a very drunken week.
It's going to be weird not seeing Johnny all the time. I feel like he's been such a staple. I think we see a lot of ourselves in each other and we can appreciate and value ourselves more by what we see in the other. We're very much on the same level with how we see the world and how we see ourselves within it. On Tuesday night, after getting thoroughly drunk, we went in his hot tub and had some cocktails around 4am, then climbed out of his bedroom window to smoke cigarettes before walking down to the park and playing on the swings while having a great talk about all kinds of things, our pasts specifically, about how we're figuring out who we are. I think he is one of the most interesting and intelligent people I know, and that's what people may not immediately pick up on. He's amazing, I love him, and I am going to miss him terribly. Now I just need to find a straight boy with all my favorite qualities of his and I will be all set.
I'm on a train to Connecticut to see Kel and Izzy. I've never taken a train out of Grand Central and I feel like I'm being snapped at whenever I ask for help.
Tonight will be fun!
LL
This portion of my journal is like one long slobbery love letter to JrH. He's gotten me through a lot of obstacles in my life, and he deserves all of that ridiculous praise.
The night in Connecticut ... well more about that later.
San Diego was great though, I love that we've both had a chance to go home with each other and see where and how we grew up. His family is a lot like my own, they were fun to stay with and we had a very drunken week.
It's going to be weird not seeing Johnny all the time. I feel like he's been such a staple. I think we see a lot of ourselves in each other and we can appreciate and value ourselves more by what we see in the other. We're very much on the same level with how we see the world and how we see ourselves within it. On Tuesday night, after getting thoroughly drunk, we went in his hot tub and had some cocktails around 4am, then climbed out of his bedroom window to smoke cigarettes before walking down to the park and playing on the swings while having a great talk about all kinds of things, our pasts specifically, about how we're figuring out who we are. I think he is one of the most interesting and intelligent people I know, and that's what people may not immediately pick up on. He's amazing, I love him, and I am going to miss him terribly. Now I just need to find a straight boy with all my favorite qualities of his and I will be all set.
I'm on a train to Connecticut to see Kel and Izzy. I've never taken a train out of Grand Central and I feel like I'm being snapped at whenever I ask for help.
Tonight will be fun!
LL
This portion of my journal is like one long slobbery love letter to JrH. He's gotten me through a lot of obstacles in my life, and he deserves all of that ridiculous praise.
The night in Connecticut ... well more about that later.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
August 12 2005
We've been having a blast here in San Diego. Far too much drinking of course.
I wish I could have more West Coast playtime. I'm going to miss Johnny. A lot.
LL
My August trips to San Diego were the best.
I wish I could have more West Coast playtime. I'm going to miss Johnny. A lot.
LL
My August trips to San Diego were the best.
August 10, 2005, 5:01am Pacific Time
You wanted it to be- so, so badly. But deep down, you knew it wasn't. You knew it never would be.
August 13, 2005
At the Castle we had a cigarette rolling contest on the pool table in the Vorburcht lounge. I recalled, while watching it, a time in Ryan's car on Nesconset Highway when he had taken up rolling his own smokes. He was speaking to me, fumbling with the stereo, and driving while rolling a cigarette.
I don't know that a day will ever go by that I don't think about the 'Sam thing.' I wish there was a better name for it. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY ... I truly wonder how far it is, but I don't worry, just wonder. I now know that nobody on earth, even my closest friends, will ever have the slightest idea what this was, what it meant, how it felt, how it hurt.
I don't have the power to make them understand. I don't.
It has been such a trip being home with Johnny- the people I've met, the places we've been, seeing what's his- a past that I will never really know, while we have our own world that they can never know.
I'm fascinated. Tired. Stoned.
LL
If one is to smoke, I feel they should roll their own cigs. Summer of 2005 was incredible, but I was so very sad.
I don't know that a day will ever go by that I don't think about the 'Sam thing.' I wish there was a better name for it. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY ... I truly wonder how far it is, but I don't worry, just wonder. I now know that nobody on earth, even my closest friends, will ever have the slightest idea what this was, what it meant, how it felt, how it hurt.
I don't have the power to make them understand. I don't.
It has been such a trip being home with Johnny- the people I've met, the places we've been, seeing what's his- a past that I will never really know, while we have our own world that they can never know.
I'm fascinated. Tired. Stoned.
LL
If one is to smoke, I feel they should roll their own cigs. Summer of 2005 was incredible, but I was so very sad.
August 9, 2005
I'm on a plane to Long Beach right now, turbulence of course.
-Sidebar- sometimes I fear that I will carry this pain with me for all my days, that it will haunt me all of my life, and I wonder, will another person ever be able to restore my faith, or must I do this myself? These days I feel I can do almost anything, but that is quite a tall measure. There is only so much one can do alone, you cannot ignore the necessity of other people, the need for them to be a part of your life, and the need for their love. I am excited for September. I will move back to Boston and put on a brave face, but I know I won't be the only one who sees through it sometimes.
I can't make any predictions, one of the fascinating things about life is the way in which it changes directions, the experiences that don't go along with the plans you've made. I never thought I would be on a plane to California right now, headed to San Diego to visit Johnny's family for a week. I thought this August I would visit Sam. I really thought I would find truth in all of this, and I did, I certainly did, but I found the truth about myself, the truth within myself.
It sounds ridiculous, but it's what I have to take away.
Despite what many say we are not entirely in control of our own destinies. We have very little power, even over our own lives. What we do have is our ability to live, to connect with others, to communicate and share ourselves with the world. I know I have the intelligence within, I know I have the capacity to teach someone, to change someone, to brighten the lives of others. I also have the capacity to learn, to change myself, and to be brightened.
I have learned incredible things this year, some uplifting, some entirely heartbreaking, but now that my eyes are open, I never want to close them.
LL
So. Serious.
-Sidebar- sometimes I fear that I will carry this pain with me for all my days, that it will haunt me all of my life, and I wonder, will another person ever be able to restore my faith, or must I do this myself? These days I feel I can do almost anything, but that is quite a tall measure. There is only so much one can do alone, you cannot ignore the necessity of other people, the need for them to be a part of your life, and the need for their love. I am excited for September. I will move back to Boston and put on a brave face, but I know I won't be the only one who sees through it sometimes.
I can't make any predictions, one of the fascinating things about life is the way in which it changes directions, the experiences that don't go along with the plans you've made. I never thought I would be on a plane to California right now, headed to San Diego to visit Johnny's family for a week. I thought this August I would visit Sam. I really thought I would find truth in all of this, and I did, I certainly did, but I found the truth about myself, the truth within myself.
It sounds ridiculous, but it's what I have to take away.
Despite what many say we are not entirely in control of our own destinies. We have very little power, even over our own lives. What we do have is our ability to live, to connect with others, to communicate and share ourselves with the world. I know I have the intelligence within, I know I have the capacity to teach someone, to change someone, to brighten the lives of others. I also have the capacity to learn, to change myself, and to be brightened.
I have learned incredible things this year, some uplifting, some entirely heartbreaking, but now that my eyes are open, I never want to close them.
LL
So. Serious.
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