Wednesday October 25th 2000

Dear Journal,

This past weekend we went upstate to visit Ryan. It was a nice trip, seeing the foliage and everything! This week is basically like every other, school's going well, it's a bit boring though, it needs a little spice, which will hopefully exist soon!

I'm really enjoying my writing class though, I've learned how to do so many different forms of writing! She really liked the last poem I handed in and recommended that I submit it to a literary magazine!

Laura Leigh

Ahh, I must have been published in Teen Ink a solid ten times. I even won an award. Publications for students are crap ... they lead us to believe that we're talented and that getting our work published is a breeze. It's only once we're broke and useless with a BA in creative writing that we realize just what magazines like Teen Ink really are- A FALLACY!!

Wednesday October 4th 2000

Dear Journal,

I had kind of a bad day today. On top of the normal stresses and mishaps of school, today in the cafeteria I humiliated myself in front of Craig, the guy I like. I was running, I tripped, fell, and SLID right into his table. I wanted to die right there. God it was bad.

LLS

Oh Craig, I bet you never actually graduated from Melville.

... For ten million dollars I would not be a teenager again. Nothing between the ages of 12-18. Honestly. What a train wreck.

Sunday July 9th 2000

Dear Journal,

I've always felt that there is sort of a magic that is captured in firelight - it's more passionate, more sensual, firelight is so tranquil. Ever so often I light all my candles and write a journal entry by firelight- I love it! I've also noticed that the times I do this always seem to be times when I am really feeling, not necessarily happy sad emotions, but when I am really tuned into myself and what is going on around me. Right now I truly feel that way. Life is good, but it's not even that, because life is always good. It's more than that. Every day, and in everything I do, I discover something new about myself and the world- and no matter how much I think I know, the discovery always goes on, and there is always more to discover. I often wonder if my lifetime will give time enough to allow me to find out everything, but knowing all is far less important than knowing that there is something great inside of us, and around this world, so great that no bad comes into comparison. I truly feel this world captures more love than tears.

Laura Leigh

Honestly ... that simply did not make any sense at all.

Friday July 7th 2000

Dear Journal,

Today I went into NYC with Katy, Lukasz and his cousin. We took the train in this morning and just had fun. We walked everywhere! We went to lunch, went shopping, went to FAO Schwartz and Serendipity - it was fun!

We got home around 9:30.

I love the city. I think about it constantly. My future is always on my mind, I'm not really worried about it either - I believe in myself and I feel motivated! Gosh - I just feel like I belong in NYC - just walking through those streets - I belong, I do!

Laura Leigh

I'm such a glamorous New Yorker! All my dreams came true! It must have been all that motivation ... !!

Saturday, May 13th 2000

Dear Journal,

This week went by fairly quickly. I'm glad it's the weekend!

Last night I had over Leah, Leanne, Kristen, Sarah, Jess, Cat J and Age. It was a farewell Boy Meets World/Age's B-Day celebration it was fun! We went in the pool for the first time this year!

Today I went to the mall and movies. We saw this movie, Center Stage, about a girl pursuing her dream to be a dancer. It was a really great movie!

I never write much about emotion any more it seems, when I still feel just as much, I'm just becoming less & less likely to put it into words. I was really struggling, as recently as a week back, my own identity was starting to scare me, but in truth, there was really nothing to be afraid of, because everything is really great. Naturally there are always the burdens of school-related and social stress, but nothing I can't handle.

Laura Leigh

The identity of a 15-year-old girl = scary stuff.

And for the record, I still like that movie.

November 2nd, 2004

I seriously think that I am just pathetic. Not only am I pathetic, but I'm also unhappy. The worst part is that I have absolutely no idea how to fix it. Well maybe there are some ideas, but nothing really accomplishable. That's not a word.

I hate this. It's my fault. I should be happy.

-LL-

Isn't it funny how we look back on times and remember being so young, so happy, and loving life, yet we seem to always think we miserable?

I say 'we,' although maybe I mean, 'me.'

I was 19. What can I say.

Undated. Fall 2004

Auction tonight. Then Pour House with the Scuttlebutts! Then smoked at the fountain. Stoned. All three of us are writing.

3 words.

Three words.

1 more.

life.

Concerned, confused, ambiguous.

Ty called me tonight. He was wasted. He asked me things. I was honest. I hated it.

...

(next night?)

I needed a night like tonight. I knew I was happy when I was sitting on the T next to Johnny and he put one of his itunes ear pieces in my ear so we could listen to music together.

You don't want to cling to it just because it's there.

-LL-

So many of my journal entries are these weird stream-of-conscious blurbs I jot down. Sharing music with Johnny always had makes me happy. Scuttlebutts too. And the Pour House never hurts!

October 22, 2004

A girl from my school died during the rioting after the Red Sox won. I felt pretty bad about it until Kelly showed me her picture. We had a class together last year. She was a really sweet girl. I can't stop crying for her.

-LL-

I still think about Victoria from time to time. I will never forget, I had just left my dorm room to go out for the night and Kelly called me and told me to get on a computer and find her photo. I stopped at the computers on the 2nd floor of the LB and looked her up. My skin started burning when I saw her picture and realized who she was. After that I sent her parents a card and recounted how nice she had been to a girl in our class that everyone else had no patience for. A writing teacher of mine in high school once told us that when her teenage son died of cancer, she found solace in the cards that strangers sent her, telling her stories about him. I thought that they may like to know that their daughter actually was a good human being.

October 21, 2004

Last night the Yankees fell to the Red Sox. In game 7 of the ALCS, in our own stadium. We fell hard. I was devastated. I cried and cried and wished to fall asleep while all around me Boston rioted.

Today I mourned. I dressed in all black and allowed myself to ache, and ache I did. It hurt so badly. It truly broke my heart.

I am, however, coming to terms with it. And the Yankees, well, they'll be back. This I know.

-LL-

That was 100% serious. An awful night that I will never forget. When some of us say we're serious about our teams, we mean it.