Sunday April 27th 2003

Dear Journal,
For months it was all about springbreak - waiting, waiting.
It's all over now, but it was honestly one of the best weeks of my whole life! The clubs were amazing, the girls we met from Brooklyn were awesome- it was so much fun! I didn't know what to expect when we went, but it was amazing! We got out heads braided, Annie rode a mechanical bull, we spent nearly every second being drunk, we had a door that didn't lock so we "hipped" it open, I think we all gained mad weight. Wwe had seven girls take a 3 hour nap in a 1/2 hour courtesy room ...
Best time of my life! Viva Los Bahamas!
Springbreak '03.

Laura Leigh

What a brilliant scam. Charge kids a ton of money to go on a trip to the Bahamas where you steal their money out of their rooms and let them drink jungle juice and think it's a vacation.
Well, they got me!

Thursday April 24th 2003

Dear Journal,
I fucking love spring break!
I can't get enough of it, we're having the hottest time here. It's awesome as hell! Sure there have been small annoyances, and our room got robbed ... but I have never had this much fun! It's just too much for my head! I still can't even believe it!
It's almost over and that sucks cause this is the hottest time ever!
The other night I met a cute guy at a club and I hung out with him for a while. We made out a few times but then it was time to get rid of him.
This rocks!

Laura Leigh

Oh man. Me, meeting a guy at a club ... another lifetime. Thank God there was no Facebook or any of that shit to document the embarrassment that was me as a teenage girl.

Monday April 21st 2003

Dear Journal,
I've never been that drunk on Easter! We drank too much last night at happy hour, then we kept drinking, then we went out to a club and drank even more. We are having a fucking blast though! Yesterday we spent the whole day lying on the beach in front of the gorgeous blue water, surrounded by palm trees. This is too much fun, so awesome!
My head is pounding, but we're getting our bathing suits on and going to eat some lunch.

Laura Leigh

Oh God the outfits we wore. Insanity.

Saturday April 19th 2003

Dear Journal,
Today was the awaited day- our trip to the Bahamas! It took a fucking LOT to make it here, but it is now 4:45am and we're ready to pass out!
The airport was a bit of a hassle, but we eventually made it to our rooms and got ready to go out. We went to some club and immediately some guy bought us drinks. Later we met a cute guy who said he was staying in Atlantis and had a Hummer limo waiting outside. He invited us out but the girls said no, that he was probably lying. Later when we were walking out we passed a big Hummer limo ...
We've met some kids and we're having a fucking hot time!

Peace,
Laura Leigh

I should be dead ten times. Good thing I have friends who (occasionally) said no.

Thursday April 17th 2003

Dear Journal,
It's Thursday night ... but super late so technically it's Friday which means 1 DAY UNTIL THE BAHAMAS!
Aghh - I am so freaking excited!
Annie and I went to Queens today and did some shopping on Jamaica Ave.
I've been talking a lot with a girl from upstate NY who is going to Emerson next year, and she is actually really cool. It's awesome to get to know people beforehand. We're both starting to get super excited about Emerson. Whatever doubts I may have had are going away, I'm going into this with an open mind and having the time of my life!
I'm totally excited!
Anyway, I crave sleep.

Laura Leigh

Yeah so she and I met up at Emerson and hung out approximately one time ... I wasn't a fan.

Wednesday April 16th 2003

Dear Journal,
It was 86 degrees out today!
After school we went to the shelter as usual. The kids there right now are absolutely adorable! We played basketball and I realized that it is SO not my sport! I suck at it, it's unbelievable how bad I am.
Anyway, it was fun there today. I'm dead tired. I really need to catch some ZZZ's.

Peace,
Laura Leigh


Catch some zzz's? Yikes.
I do, however, stand by my love of peace.

Tuesday April 15th 2003

Dear Journal,
Today after I left the gym I was cruising past the golf course in the convertible and I looked over at the grass and the trees, the blue sky and the sun shining an I just got SO happy! I actually shouted, "Yes! We made it to spring!"
It was 80 degrees out today, and I just can't believe we made it though that awful winter! I'm ready for some gorgeous weather.
I don't know, I've been really happy lately and I don't want to stop feeling this good. Bad days come now and then but things have been fun lately, and I'm really excited for the Bahamas!
Maybe 18 isn't so bad after all!
Hate to admit it- I'm gonna miss high school.

Laura Leigh

Every once in a while I still miss that crap.

April 13th, 2003

Dear Journal,
This weekend was too many kinds of funny!
On Friday after work I went to dinner with Meg, Boyle, Luke, Jackee and Annie at Chili's. After dinner Meg had a bunch of people over. A bunch of them were drinking, I wasn't, but I ripped bong hits with everyone later in the night ... We put Annie on my lap and I would speak but she would move her mouth, it was TOO funny. I saw her trip over every one of Meg's dogs not once but TWICE and one of those times she actually crashed into the floor. Luke, who had never smoked before, was coaxed into taking bong hits. He BUGGED OUT! He just went nuts. He thoughts his hands were purple and his whole body was shaking. It was so fucked up. We tried not to laugh but it was just too damn funny!
Later in the night I was sitting on the floor with Tim and Annie, eating cereal, and Annie says, "Wow, cereal is like, like the new Christ!" (Meaning it was really good) and Tim and I look at her blankly and Tim goes, "Yeah, because we eat Jesus!" And I just thought that was the funniest thing ever! Eventually I went home.
Yesterday I went to the gym then to work. It was a member wedding. Towards the end of the night we were all standing by the band and some guy who had been at my table said I was "very good looking." When he walked away everyone burst out laughing and I almost died. After work everyone ended up at Meg's again for more silliness. We all got blazed of course, and we were playing card games and stuff, and at one point Annie threw a frosted minnie wheat smack into Mike's forehead, which somehow caused him to fall backwards off of his chair. It was so funny. I saw too many things this weekend. I literally hurt my stomach from laughing so hard! I stayed at Meg's last night and worked this morning.
Bahamas in 6 days!

Laura Leigh

Oh high school. Anytime someone's parents were away we would live at that house for the week. Good times.

Wednesday March 12th 2003

Dear Journal,
Yes I'm still crazy, it's entirely possible that I always will be. But, I'm also a bit sad tonight, for a few reasons I suppose. First, I'm fighting with my dad, which I HATE! We never fight, but then Katy comes home and it's like there's too much estrogen in the house or something and he just needs to fight with someone- it's usually me and it's often about the car - Ridiculous I know, but to me it's more. He just treats me like I should be more thankful than my siblings, like I should consider myself lucky to have the "luxury" to do or use things that were their "rights." I just feel like nothing's ever gonna be enough fr him, I really do! I'm a good kid, I really am!
I'm very independent, I have a job, I do well in school, I'm in the honor society, have extra-curricular activities, am President of a community service club, and volunteer at a shelter weekly, and I just found out that I am going to be published in a book. My work was chosen out of over 88,000- I'm kinda proud of this! But I feel like he thinks deep down I'm a bad seed. We've never really known each other very well because unlike my sister, I never really opened upt o my parents, especially not when I needed them most. I just did my own thing, and wrote in my journal. Maybe growing up I should have, and although I know I'm lying, I feel like it's too late now. I'm just stressed lately and that's not helping. I don't know. All I can say is I don't know, that's my only certainty.

Thursday March 6th 2003

Dear Journal,
And so begins another book. A new journal. Every time I start a journal I think of the things to come, the things I will write about ... College, how frightening and exciting all in one! I'm full of complaints today, life isn't going very smoothly right now. And it's not that my life has strayed from the plan- there is no plan. After almost 18 years one of the few things I will say that I definitely know for a fact is that is that life, 99% of the time will not follow the plan if I choose to make one. So I haven't made one. Nevertheless, life is very little fun right now. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, which is beyond ridiculous because my 18th birthday is on April 1st, but still, I'm almost sad- being 17 was a fucking good time, one of the best. It's that age right in between, you're really still a kid, but in my case a free kid free to have fun and enjoy all the perks of life. But 18 soon becomes me.
This is the first winter in my life that is destroying me. I honestly feel like I am suffocating. Outside it's gray and dirty, and when we think we've seen the last of the snow the sky musters up another storm. I thought that once I survived junior year things would be a breeze, but truly, I am tired. I feel like I'm floating through the days, nothing for me ... but if tomorrow isn't brighter, I sleep another night and cross my fingers.

LLS

I say this all the time- I wish I could have lightened up a little as a teenager.

March 22nd 2005

I had to go through all of this alone. There was never anyone who could have helped me – but one doesn’t forget who it was that tried.

Undated, March 2005

I’m watching another couple say good-bye. Love, that’s rough. She pulls out a tissue and turns her head. A blond wisp of hair falls free of her hat. Her glasses are foggy, her face red. Her eyes are glowing with the glisten of distance. Separation.
His hood is up. He cracks jokes, smiles, kisses her forehead. She smiles through her tears. Later she’ll cry aloud. She blows her nose, stands on her tippy toes for a kiss then buries her head in his jacket. She’s been thinking of this moment since its conception.

Monday December 4th 2000

I had a really good weekend! On Saturday Katy and I spent a lot of time Christmas shopping then when I got home I went over to Leah's new house. I helped her a bit with her room, which looks great!! Later we got some dinner then Leanne came over for the first night in the house!! Sunday morning my sis picked me up and I did HW and took a bath and stuff then went to the soup kitchen at 4. After dinner my dad made cocoa and we started to decorate the tree, it was so nice!

'Wicker & Roses'
Laura Leigh


Watch out for the All American girl.

Wednesday October 25th 2000

Dear Journal,

This past weekend we went upstate to visit Ryan. It was a nice trip, seeing the foliage and everything! This week is basically like every other, school's going well, it's a bit boring though, it needs a little spice, which will hopefully exist soon!

I'm really enjoying my writing class though, I've learned how to do so many different forms of writing! She really liked the last poem I handed in and recommended that I submit it to a literary magazine!

Laura Leigh

Ahh, I must have been published in Teen Ink a solid ten times. I even won an award. Publications for students are crap ... they lead us to believe that we're talented and that getting our work published is a breeze. It's only once we're broke and useless with a BA in creative writing that we realize just what magazines like Teen Ink really are- A FALLACY!!

Wednesday October 4th 2000

Dear Journal,

I had kind of a bad day today. On top of the normal stresses and mishaps of school, today in the cafeteria I humiliated myself in front of Craig, the guy I like. I was running, I tripped, fell, and SLID right into his table. I wanted to die right there. God it was bad.

LLS

Oh Craig, I bet you never actually graduated from Melville.

... For ten million dollars I would not be a teenager again. Nothing between the ages of 12-18. Honestly. What a train wreck.

Sunday July 9th 2000

Dear Journal,

I've always felt that there is sort of a magic that is captured in firelight - it's more passionate, more sensual, firelight is so tranquil. Ever so often I light all my candles and write a journal entry by firelight- I love it! I've also noticed that the times I do this always seem to be times when I am really feeling, not necessarily happy sad emotions, but when I am really tuned into myself and what is going on around me. Right now I truly feel that way. Life is good, but it's not even that, because life is always good. It's more than that. Every day, and in everything I do, I discover something new about myself and the world- and no matter how much I think I know, the discovery always goes on, and there is always more to discover. I often wonder if my lifetime will give time enough to allow me to find out everything, but knowing all is far less important than knowing that there is something great inside of us, and around this world, so great that no bad comes into comparison. I truly feel this world captures more love than tears.

Laura Leigh

Honestly ... that simply did not make any sense at all.

Friday July 7th 2000

Dear Journal,

Today I went into NYC with Katy, Lukasz and his cousin. We took the train in this morning and just had fun. We walked everywhere! We went to lunch, went shopping, went to FAO Schwartz and Serendipity - it was fun!

We got home around 9:30.

I love the city. I think about it constantly. My future is always on my mind, I'm not really worried about it either - I believe in myself and I feel motivated! Gosh - I just feel like I belong in NYC - just walking through those streets - I belong, I do!

Laura Leigh

I'm such a glamorous New Yorker! All my dreams came true! It must have been all that motivation ... !!

Saturday, May 13th 2000

Dear Journal,

This week went by fairly quickly. I'm glad it's the weekend!

Last night I had over Leah, Leanne, Kristen, Sarah, Jess, Cat J and Age. It was a farewell Boy Meets World/Age's B-Day celebration it was fun! We went in the pool for the first time this year!

Today I went to the mall and movies. We saw this movie, Center Stage, about a girl pursuing her dream to be a dancer. It was a really great movie!

I never write much about emotion any more it seems, when I still feel just as much, I'm just becoming less & less likely to put it into words. I was really struggling, as recently as a week back, my own identity was starting to scare me, but in truth, there was really nothing to be afraid of, because everything is really great. Naturally there are always the burdens of school-related and social stress, but nothing I can't handle.

Laura Leigh

The identity of a 15-year-old girl = scary stuff.

And for the record, I still like that movie.

November 2nd, 2004

I seriously think that I am just pathetic. Not only am I pathetic, but I'm also unhappy. The worst part is that I have absolutely no idea how to fix it. Well maybe there are some ideas, but nothing really accomplishable. That's not a word.

I hate this. It's my fault. I should be happy.

-LL-

Isn't it funny how we look back on times and remember being so young, so happy, and loving life, yet we seem to always think we miserable?

I say 'we,' although maybe I mean, 'me.'

I was 19. What can I say.

Undated. Fall 2004

Auction tonight. Then Pour House with the Scuttlebutts! Then smoked at the fountain. Stoned. All three of us are writing.

3 words.

Three words.

1 more.

life.

Concerned, confused, ambiguous.

Ty called me tonight. He was wasted. He asked me things. I was honest. I hated it.

...

(next night?)

I needed a night like tonight. I knew I was happy when I was sitting on the T next to Johnny and he put one of his itunes ear pieces in my ear so we could listen to music together.

You don't want to cling to it just because it's there.

-LL-

So many of my journal entries are these weird stream-of-conscious blurbs I jot down. Sharing music with Johnny always had makes me happy. Scuttlebutts too. And the Pour House never hurts!

October 22, 2004

A girl from my school died during the rioting after the Red Sox won. I felt pretty bad about it until Kelly showed me her picture. We had a class together last year. She was a really sweet girl. I can't stop crying for her.

-LL-

I still think about Victoria from time to time. I will never forget, I had just left my dorm room to go out for the night and Kelly called me and told me to get on a computer and find her photo. I stopped at the computers on the 2nd floor of the LB and looked her up. My skin started burning when I saw her picture and realized who she was. After that I sent her parents a card and recounted how nice she had been to a girl in our class that everyone else had no patience for. A writing teacher of mine in high school once told us that when her teenage son died of cancer, she found solace in the cards that strangers sent her, telling her stories about him. I thought that they may like to know that their daughter actually was a good human being.

October 21, 2004

Last night the Yankees fell to the Red Sox. In game 7 of the ALCS, in our own stadium. We fell hard. I was devastated. I cried and cried and wished to fall asleep while all around me Boston rioted.

Today I mourned. I dressed in all black and allowed myself to ache, and ache I did. It hurt so badly. It truly broke my heart.

I am, however, coming to terms with it. And the Yankees, well, they'll be back. This I know.

-LL-

That was 100% serious. An awful night that I will never forget. When some of us say we're serious about our teams, we mean it.

March 13th, 2005

“Wait guys, I can’t find my lip gloss … Sam, can I borrow yours?” – Porten’s joke.

PRAGUE.

Absolutely fabulous. We had a great weekend, even though I freaked out last night, partly because I was drunk, but also because I was genuinely upset. It’s okay though, sometimes I forget that there real assholes out there and that I have to encounter them occasionally. C’est la vie.

So first here’s the Prague story, simplified:

Me, Sam, Kelly, Katryn, Lauren, Sammy. We walked to the Venlo bus. A bird shit on my head. We bought wine and took a train. By the second train Sam and Kelly were wasted. I was a little drunk off my Riesling . We took another train. Couchette. Six beds. Entire room the size of a small bathroom. Conductor woke us up periodically to demand more money. Awesome. 8am arrive in Prague. First and only good exchange rate in Europe. Checked into hostel. Great room at the top of five giant staircases. Amazing view of Prague castle. Went out for bagels. Got lost finding Jewish quarter. Found Jewish quarter. Synagogue closed. Lauren bought Jewish star necklace. Ate giant, delcious hot dogs for 30 crowns. Then hot spiced wine. Rode tram for free. Napped at hostel. Others came back with beer. Decided to take it easy all night. Ate KFC. Drank beer. Went to bed. Shared bed with Sam. Good sleep. Woke at 9. Went to bagels again. Had sausage biscuits and gravy. Internet café was not restaurant. Walked up pretty, snowy hills. Amazing view of the city. Lauren saw men with machine guns, announced we were leaving. We laughed at her and kept going. Found the castle. Went in the Cathedral. Walked the bridge. Saw the clock in the old square strike three. More hot dogs. More wine. Meandered back to hostel. Nap time. Showers. Dress to go out. Take metro to other side of town. Honor system. Found small bar. Drank beer. All did absinthe. Took pictures. Burned sugar. Toast to Prague. Down it went. Slight burn. Intense buzz. Back on metro. Chose random stop near Jewish quarter. Everyone giddy. Like children, but with absinthe. Found mysterious cave-like bar. More beer. Bachelor party men in Santa hats. More absinthe. Six shots. Tray please. Starting to feel like a pro. Met two british guys from Oxford. Chill guys, fun conversation- not that I actually remember it all. One bought me absinthe. Showed him how to drink it. Gave him some beer to wash it down. Share a snakebite. Don’t know whats in it. Two straws. I like it. Group leaves. Kel and I stay. Soon I'm ready. Two kisses on the cheek. Pizza. Locked out. Encounter with asshole police. I scream. We get in. bed. 7:30am. Wake up. Bagels again. To go. Right place this time. Get on tram. Free again. Barely make our train.

Fucking good weekend. Only $100. Snowy hills out the window. I smile to mysef a lot lately.

And that was Prague!!

March 12th, 2005

I have so many really great things to write about Prague, may great things, but for now, all I can do is freak out. I have NEVER been laughed at by policemen or authorities the way I was tonight. Never. I don’t care what anyone says about the US, I have never been laughed at by policemen the way I was tonight.

The longer story will come later, but basically, we all went out drinking and Kelly and I decided to meet everyone back at the hostel at 1am. So we got back to where the hostel was at 1am but none of our friends were there to let us in. We decided to give them a few minutes. Some Czech policemen were going up stairs but they wouldn’t let us follow them. So we waited about 20 more minutes. We tried not to get upset that our friends were not there. The policemen came down. I tried to speak to them. They ignored me. I tried again. They ignored me again. We basically begged them. They basically laughed at us. We did not have a key. They would not help us. I was desperate, so as they walked out I yelled. One of them turned around and yelled at me to be quiet. He held up his key as a warning. I screamed at him in English that I hope he sleeps well knowing I am out on the street. He walked away.

I will never ever forget being treated like that by a police officer, someone who is supposed to help you. After they left I had tears brimming in my eyes. I had never been treated like that. I dind’t know what to do. So I screamed. I ran into the street and screamed again and some old man came out of a door. He saw me screaming and crying and so he told me to be quiet, and that he would help us in. So I tried to be quiet, but I wept onto Kelly. I have never been so let down. He let us in. Once at the top I banged on the door until Lauren let us in. They were tired. They couldn’t understand what happened. They won’t understand. I’ll never forget this. I won’t ever forget it.

---

---

That night still stands out in my mind. Honestly I know that a lot of it was the alcohol, but y words really fail to describe the situation, and how desperate we felt. I'm pretty much terrified of law enforcement in any country but my own.

March 12th, 2005

Prague Castle. Cathedral. Big dark, cold. I don’t feel a religious presence in most of these places. Inner part of Cathedral – you need tickets to enter. We’ll just look from afar. Golden extravagance. PRAVDA VITEZI.

Semon name is Czech. Part of my ancestry is here. Cathedral Saint-Guy.

“It’s such a joke. I didn’t bring my towel or anything else that I needed, but I brought my lipgloss … I mean my chapstick.” – Sam. One day after telling us to stop making fun of him, cause he’s bloated.

Thursday March 10th 2005

Now it’s Thursday, March 10^th. I’m on a train to Prague listening to music and drinking 4 Euro Riesling. Sammy is next to me. Katryn and Sam are across from me. Lauren and Kel are behind me. I’m starting to get a little tired from the wine, but a really happy, content tired. I don’t want this to end. It’s not real life, and I love it. I’m smiling to myself right now, smiling big.

A bird shit on my head as we were walking to the bus. I wasn’t psyched about it, but it was pretty funny. It’s supposed to be good luck. Crock of shit- but if that’s what I had to get for this to be a good weekend, I’m ok with that. I love Prague, and we’re not even there yet!!

Even when I fall … I’m not one to stay down long.

The wine is kicking in. Here it is.

First we went to Belgium, to Brugge and Brussels and it was exhilarating and we felt so free. We were just so happy. And then we went to Amsterdam and wandered around in a hazy oblivion we laughed and got stoned and time was not time it was slow and fast and furiously funny. Then there was Paris. All museums. Masterpiece overload. Moved. Inspired. Exhausted. Then Barcelona breathed new life into us. The beautiful sun the midday beer the Mediterranean Sea, Cathedral Park, sour grass, paella. I was happy there. Genuinely happy. Next Madrid, which just felt like a big city. Saw Sam. Intense. Saw Guernica with Sam. Doubly intense. Didn’t do much sight-seeing. It hurt almost as much as I loved being with her. Then two weeks of mess. Pain. Fighting. Exhaustion. Then I clicked. Then we went to London. Tired on the tube looking at Ikea ads ad detecting American accents. Too expensive. Completely worth it. Now I’m on a train to Prague. I want this life, and I am this life.

Sunday October 5th 2003

Dear Journal,

What a week ... I never write any more! I've been kind of homesick this week to be honest, and I was in a really sad mood on Friday. I feel like everyone has something good going for them but me, which I know isn't really the case, but sometimes I just feel like I'm fucked for life. I spent my entire week working on a paper for my Urban Studies class and of course my Professor wouldn't even read the damn thing. She's just so fucking critical of all my work, I can't seem to do anything right for her. It makes me feel pretty horible. Anyway, Friday night turned out good. Kate and I got ourselves some 40s of Corona and we "kept it Mexican," all night. Corona, Tequila, Spanish brothers! We got decked out, we really looked so good, and we pregamed in my room then went to a club called The Roxy. It's more of an upscale club, and it has a high cover charge. So we walked in, and got 21 bracelets, even without ID they gave Kate a bracelet, and we strutted inside and told them we were on the A-list, so they let us in without paying a cover charge. So we danced and got hit on by all sorts of guys, then just as we decided to leave we met these two brothers ... we danced with them a while. The one I was with was very attractive and smelled super good! Then we went upstairs with them and Kate said to me, "15 minutes Laura, I'll find you in 15 minutes. We have to do this!" So we separated for a while and each had our own make out sessions in separate booths. It was pretty hot and I certainly enjoyed myself. After we found each other we gave them fake phone numbers and headed back to the dorms. Yesterday we hung around and went to a movie, and today I went out with my sister.

I am soooooo excited to go home next weekend! I miss EVERYTHING about Setauket. Oh God, I can't wait to go home!

Off to bed,

LL

oh man. I'm embarrassed to even read this entry, let alone post it. On the list of things I would never ever wanna do again ... go clubbing at the Roxy. Freshman girls, we were all the same.

That professor, by the way, was a bitch to me. She forced me to work my ass off. I was her only A that semester.

April 10th, 2003

Dear Journal,

My parents have been away all week, so my friends have practically moved in with me. Last night Annie, Leah and Jackee came over, and then Annie's cousin TJ and his two friends came over, and eventually Pomeroy came by with two of his friends. Its been a really chill week, but I really couldn't say what I've been up to. I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep!

My parents are coming home tomorrow. I'm supposed to leave next Saturday for the Bahamas with Jess (O'Neil) and Annie, but Jess is not paid in full so we're kinda screwed. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm off to the gym.

Laura Leigh

Thinking about that bitch and all the money she owes me STILL makes me angry after all these years. I guess I'd better get over it.

April 4th, 2003

Dear Journal,

In life you can't take anything back. You really can't. You can try and alleviate the pain, and you can even and fix what was upset or destroyed, but I truly believe that no one forgets, because there is no going back.

It sucks living in the US right now. All we talk about is the war and I still don't believe what I see, and part of me thinks it's just too desensitized; I'm on the elliptical at the gym and on the tv come pictures of American casualties, and they're young, and they're handsome, and you just wonder- why is it like this? Why did things have to happen this way? What are we doing? What exactly are we doing?

Laura Leigh

So what exactly are we doing?

Wednesday, April 2nd 2003

Dear Journal,

I still can't believe how much fun I had with my mom last night! Drinking with her at Carmine's was just too funny! She really is cool, I can tell her stuff, like real stuff. It's nice to have such a good relationship with her. It's gonna be hard up at school next year, having to really be an adult, having no mommy around when I don't feel good - it's scary!

Today at the shelter we met some new kids and they were absolutely the sweetest kids! Some of the children there impress me so much but I can't help worrying about them.

We also finished watching American History X today in my Great Moral Issues class. It was an absolutely amazing movie. Once it ended it was one of those movies where you had to just kind of sit there and absorb everything you had just seen.

"Hate is baggage." It really was an amazing movie, about a white supremacist who realize that hate is really just a vicious cycle that can never end, especially not peacefully. Another topic the movie touched upon slightly was affirmative action, something we have also been discussing in class. What scares me is how ignorant some people are. I'm a white girl living in suburban Long Island with so much opportunity at my fingertips. White kids act like affirmative action is oppressing us and that is such whiney bullshit. I see the children at the shelter and the fact is, most of them are black of hispanic and their parents are ignorant. They have so much potential yet very little chance in this world. Affirmative action is for children like them who need that extra hand. They need help. We see them once a week and it's just not enough at all. Someone needs to reach them but chances are, nobody will. So because of this oppression they will be under-qualified. That's why we have affirmative action. It shouldn't be about race it should be about poverty, education and living conditions, but it is far too often that poor living conditions and race go hand-in-hand. I don't know a single white kid whose life has gone down the drain because affirmative action somehow fucked them over. Everyone needs to stop whining and understand that something needs to be done and unless they have a better idea they should shut their mouths.

Laura Leigh

I was much more idealistic as a teenager. Some might say a little more naive. I even liked children back then. Oh well.

Wednesday, March 19 2003

Dear Journal,

Something about volunteering at the shelter makes me terribly sad- all these kids we go through, all these kids full of potential- I wonder how many of them are really gonna make it in life. Like now there's Kai, a sweet little boy who is quiet and polite and lets me read to him ... will he always like to read? And Justice, this crazy four-year-old with a mini-afrow and an explosive personality. I have few doubts that he will turn into a thug, but I still have hope because he loves to watch "The Big Comfy Couch" and he carries around the doll! So many kids and I know we don't see them enough to impact them. I want the best for these kids because they deserve the best. God, kids are great! They're like a lump of clay that you can carefully mold. I'm glad we go to the shelter.

I went to dinner tonight with Catherine and Leah, then I went to the gym with Jackee, then we smoked.

I hope this was profound, for I am awfully stoned.

Laura Leigh

Ha!

Sunday June 29th 2003

Dear Journal,

AGH! Today is my Graduation day! Holy Shit! I can't believe it. I remember sitting at my brother's graduation three years ago and thinking about how my graduation would come in the blink of an eye! It did. This is it, the official end of high school and the official start of my summer. Amazing, it was all amazing. I'm gonna miss it is all I can say, I certainly will miss it.

Laura Leigh

Why is it that something that kinda sucked a lot (junior high and high school) gets really good right at the end?

Tuesday June 27th 2000

Dear Journal,

On Sunday my brother Ryan graduated - it was pretty emotional, even for me. As they walked around us, in cap & gown, I got a lump in my throat. They were ending something. I was wondering how I am going to feel, three years later, taking that same walk. You think about graduation your whole life, but on the day of I can only imagine it is then that you realize your childhood went too fast, and you have reached a huge turning point. Fear, excitement, joy, those feelings probably cross your mind. And it's funny to think of the scale of time, some days seem to last forever, but in just a moment I too will be heading off to college. I think that if I could have any "super power" I would choose to be able to slow down time, make it last just that much longer because it's all too fast, it really is. But as Everlast put it so very simply, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," and for the graduates of 2000, this is so very true!

Back to the smaller scheme of things, my life these days has been fairly simple, carefree and I like it that way. On Monday I went to Port Jeff with Leah, Chris and Katy, then we came back here and stayed in the pool the rest of the afternoon. Today Leah and I got Kristie a gift- a frame with the fam tree and a pic of the fam, because she's moving. I'm tired now and off to bed.

Laura Leigh

Uhh yea, I seriously did quote "closing time" in my journal ... but honestly I don't even think that's who sang it ... ? The point is. I was lame.

Saturday July 1st 2000

Dear Journal,

AGHH!! I just go home - it's just after midnight - and this has been the coolest day ever - absolutely amazing!! Just before the play started we were standing by the stage door (not away it was) and a black town car pulled up - I could feel it - I knew it was him - and out walks Gabriel 0 within 5 feet of us - neither of us knew what to do- we were starstruck and in complete awe of him. Then our seats for the play were amazing and he did such a spectacular job. We were so thrilled we didn't know what to do with ourselves! I still can't believe we saw him. I just cannot believe it! So many people have actors that they really love and admire, but so many of them are out of reach and you never get to see them, it's so awesome to have seen someone I'm so completely in awe of - up close - it's the greatest feeling ever! The play closes tomorrow, I am so glad we got to see it. I'm amazed. Coolest day ever!!!

Laura Leigh

oh my goodness. Most girls our age were screaming and crying over boy bands, and there we were, seeing A Moon For the Misbegotten, starring the then 50-year-old actor ... what freaking weirdos we were. We were by far the youngest people there. The women asking for his autograph were all senior citizens, and we were too afraid to approach him. What a memory.

Saturday July 1st 2000

Dear Journal,

Today is the awaited day, Jess and I go to the city to see *Gabriel Byrne* start in Moon For the Misbegotten! We are SO excited to see our favorite actor in this show!! This week has been retty cool, on Wednesday, I went to the mall with Leah, Jess and Katy and then Jess and I went to Kristie's surprise going away party. On Thursday Leah and I baby-sat for my cousins- a favorite summer past time. Then last night I went with Leah and Meghan to dinner and to see A Perfect Storm, a very moving movie.

Laura Leigh

Gabe the Babe!!

June 26th 2004

Dear Journal,

Last Tuesday afternoon I took a train to Penn Station where I met up with Molly and we took a subway out to the Bronx where I watched her play Irish football. Afterwards we went out drinking with all her Irish teammates. It was excellent. I love the Irish! The next morning I slept in then hopped a subway downtown and met Jess on Park by Jake's apartment. She and I went out to breakfast then headed to Central Park West to meet the girls; Leah, Kristen and Leanne. The five of us wandered through the park all day and spend a good two hours sitting at the top of what Leah refers to as the "bird castle," which overlooks a great pond. It was just relaxing and peaceful. I really enjoyed it. Tonight, after working the day at the beach with Leah, I realized, when Oliver's girlfriend came to pick him up, that I am jealous. But I don't, however, want him, so I don't know why I feel this way.

LLS

I felt that way because I am a woman and even if we don't want you, we still want you to want us. It's a control thing. Ahh, life's little lessons.

June 25th, 2004

Dear Journal,

I got to take a good look at Oliver's girlfriend tonight for the first time, and it bothered the hell out of me! She's gorgeous.

She's beautiful with a great body, so what the hell did he have sex with me for?

Amanda asked me if I was jealous. I don't think it's that but who knows, maybe I was, regardless, I'm not fretting about things that have already been and that I can't change. Why did Oliver have sex with me? Did he even want to or was he just doing what I suggested? Was it pity sex? Who sleeps with a chubby virgin when he's got a hot girlfriend?

I'll never know. Dammit.

LLS

ha ha ha ha. He did have a hot girlfriend. I was ten years his junior and let's just say I was not at my finest during our most magical encounter.

Saturday January 1st 2000

Dear Journal,

And so starts another year!

Last night, as I was at Leanne's to celebrate the new year, I began to realize that I'm not like others. Of course, it is a feeling that has been lingering for a while, but last night hit me at full force. For no reason really, just during conversations, I knew, I know I am different from most people, and some way or another, I intend to show that to the world. I suppose I will grow up to be one of those people with a therapist to help keep me sane, after all, I am well aware that I'm a bit out there. That's what's a little odd, I am just starting to show my true colors to some people. But the little things people don't know about me, often make me feel heavy, strange. Tonight I was watching as Leah fixed her hair in the mirror, and it occurred to me how we are really now starting to define ourselves. A few years ago we wore anything, didn't have much preference or strong opinion - but now we are so solid in who we are, and who we are, and who we are trying to be. I spend immense amounts of time pondering the future - I do not remember the last time I relaxed - I live in apprehension.

Laura Leigh

Ugh. Honestly, I wish I could have just been given a glimpse into this glamorous future of mine so that I might have calmed myself down back in those days. I thought I was different than everyone else because I had a deeper understanding of the human soul ... yea, it's all a load of bullshit.

Monday, December 27th 1999

Dear Journal,

Yesterday we went to my Aunt Mary's to see my mom's side of the family, it was fun. Today Katy, Leah and I went to the mall to do our Christmas returns!

After, Leah came over. We watched Notting Hill, which I loved, because I am a terrible sucker for any romance movies - it was so sweet thought - every time I see a movie like that I wonder terribly about my own future.

As said in RENT, "I can't control my destiny ... I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be."

Laura Leigh

Oh Wow. What a fag.

Monday May 3rd, 2005

Dear Journal,

Home. Home already. How unbelievable. It's such an odd feeling. Yesterday I had to pack up my freshman year, now, I have to fit it all into my home- find spaces for all the stuff. I have never felt anything like this before. It's like when I'm at school I'm having fun and figuring out who I am but then I come home and I'm all confused again. It's not that I'm different in each place, it's simply that each place brings out different qualities in me. Life here is much more predictable, and there's a part of me that loves that, that finds comfort in it, but there's no moving forward here, things just are how they are.

I've been gone one day - not even - and I miss it. Four months away seems long, though I know it's not, as time continues to fly by. Always flies.

Laura Leigh

And that is why I had to leave Long Island, that's probably the best explanation I could ever give.

Time is still flying.

Sunday, May 2nd 2004

It's fucked up. I'm sitting in my room amidst a mess of bags and boxes and I cannot bring myself to finish packing up my freshman year. I love it here, and now I have to leave. I'm excited to go home and everything, but I love life here. It's just fun and crazy and my friends here are so great! This past week has been nuts, we've been having summer-like weather and we've just been having an amazing time, lying out in the sun on the common all day and partying all night. I've seen a lot of Ty this week too. It's such an odd situation. I really like him and we've got so much potential together, but time is simply not on our side. Lauren left yesterday, ad last night was our final night out in Boston for the year. Kate's brother-in-law BB came up last night because he moved her out today. First me, Molly and Sammy went to Stacy's, and Kate and BB met up with us there. We were all just drinking and hanging out, then BB told us that all the drinks for the night were going to be on him, and we headed to Pour House. Sammy didn't have an ID so we came up with this hysterical plan to get her into the bar. Everyone went in ahead of us and Sammy and I waited down the street, then Kate came out with Stacy's ID for Sammy and went back into the bar. Meanwhile BB was hanging out by the bouncer complaining that his fiancee was late meeting him. So when Sammy and I walked up BB greeted her as his fiancee, which was hysterical. The bouncer turned to me and said, "He's mad at her, she's really late," and I was like, "Oh it's my fault I made her late," and the bouncer was like, "Oh it is?!" haha it was awesome. He let us in of course. So we had a fun night of drinking at Pour House. We were all nice and drunk. Molly and I were the last to leave, I called Ty and a little later he came and picked us up. We dropped Molly at the LB and stayed at his house last night. I really like him. He makes me smile and I make him laugh!

Kate left today, and now I'm trying to pack - which is what I'm worst at in life. This whole leaving thing is really draining. I cannot believe freshman year is over. Damn. Life moves too fast, way too fast. It's incredible. It's been fun. It's been amazing. I don't ever want life to stop being this great.

Laura Leigh

That was such a fun night. I mean, looking back, we had these chubby little faces because we were so young, but the bouncer either didn't realize or played along. BB showed us a great time that night! And then that was it, freshman year was over in a flash.

January 29th 2005

Oh man. I’ve been high all day. Fucked up. We were living in this eternal space where we blended in but weren’t really present. Contentment wrapped itself around my waist and I did not fight it. We've been high all day. That coffee shop was the quintessential existence. It belonged in the earth. We ate a lot. We indulged and it was so very fulfilling. We went to he Heineken brewery. We drank beer. We met some crazy British boys. They took us to a pub and bought us drinks. I laughed a lot. I laughed so hard. We found our way back to our hostel. We’re taking a break then out.

We’ve become these beings who are lost between time and space, floating through our adolescence in the dreamland that is Holland. Smoking and laughing and smoking again … charmed.

“When all else fails, just sit back and let the big beat lead you.” – Alex, one of the British boys we met in Amsterdam. Life is WOW.

All the odds are agaist us, Sam and I. Everything is working against us, and I wonder, are we gonna make it? Should we even try?

Those Brits were a blast. One of them just ate a bunch of mushrooms and they had to lead him around all day, and he was saying the most ridiculous things.

Ahh Samantha. To even go there in this blog ... or not go, that is the question ...

January 28th 2005

Amazing. Amazing. I am obsessed with this city. Not only have I never been to a place like Amsterdam, I have never even dreamt of one. It’s like this little bubble that floated away from the rest of the world- their own ideas, their own rules, they own freedoms. Amazing. Its beautiful and quaint while at the same time electrified and throbbing with excitement. I have never taken to any place or anything at all in my life for that matter, the way I have to this city. I could come here, live here and just start a life here. Oh my God its amazing. I want to be a part of it. I want it to be a part of me. We came here this morning, checked into our hostel, then wandered te city for a while. We ate “special cake” so we would be high for the Van Gogh museum but they never worked. Waste. The Van Gogh museum was great, really awesome. From there everyone went to an Indonesian restaurant where we had the most amazing dinner. It was delicious, just this hwole mix of spices and tastes on my tongue Oh man. So good. Later we toured the city for a night. We smoked blunts in a coffee shop and we were fucked up. We went to a few bars and through the red light district. It creeped me out. I couldn’t look these women in the eyes. SO bizarre. We basically got lost around the city and we ate waffles with pink icing. At the last bar we went to we were singing and dancing and I wanted to capture the moment and keep it forever. It was pure and simple love, pure and simple happiness. There we were at Durty Nelly’s. I had a beautiful day today, and such an enchanted night. I really wouldn’t trade my life for any other.

... Halos of smoke around each of their heads, while they lungs filled with the haze of youth and adventure. Eyelids found each other slowly and the night glazed over with an enchanting mix of electricity and sleepiness.

We wandered past red lights and windows displaying real live women in boustiers and lace. I avoid their gaze.

The fog rests thick, reflecting occasional moonlight. In a dark personal bar we danced to ‘Time of my life," while having the time of our lives. We held each other, thankful for this.

Ahhh, Amsterdam. I think this entry speaks for itself ... weed, and plenty of it.

Monday, May 29th 2000

Dear Journal,

I had an absolutely fabulous weekend! On Friday night I went shopping with Leah and Leanne, and they both spent the night. On Saturday I went with Leah to Fire Island. We went to Ocean Beach, where we used to go all the time. We ended up baby-sitting at this party near the Ocean. There were 5 kids, Kendra, Hunter, Vincent, Paige and baby Brian., all of whom were adorable. That evening was kinda crazy, but we each ended up with 60 dollars, so I have no complaints!

We took the 11:30 ferry home, and I got back around one. Then yesterday my mom dyed my hair (burgundy again) and Katy and I took her to lunch for her b-day, which was Friday. Then mom dropped us at the mall with Leah. I got a lot of "objectionable" clothing, and the greatest black tube dress! Then last night we went out with Kristen to see Road Trip. Today was Memorial Day (no school) so I completely pampered myself. Once I got homework and chores out of the way mom gave me a pedicure, then I worked out, and proceeded to take the most relaxing bubble bath imaginable! I opened all the surrounding windows so the room was flooded with sunlight and a warm breeze. I put on my Brokedown Palace album and soaked for hours. It was incredibly relaxing! I feel completely homeostatic today, hehe, I really do. Clean and healthy and so happy!

Laura Leigh

PS. I got into PACT at the high school, I can't believe I got in!

So ... for one thing, Leanne and I both got into PACT, which is this program for athletes in high school, you do philanthropy and you vow not to use drugs or alcohol. I think we both went to one meeting before dropping out.

Furthermore, I am bringing homeostatic back into my repertoire.

Friday June 2nd 2000

Dear Journal,

Today was Moving Up Day. It was fun and emotional. I wore my new dress, and I felt like a movie star, as corny as that sounds! I got so many compliments, and as my Principal, Mrs. Gaigal shook my hand when they called my name, she said, "You look absolutely beautiful!" It sounded so sincere and so kind, and I really did feel beautiful today. We got our yearbooks, and I even got a bit of a (sun)burn, but I'll deal. All the speeches and videos were amazing, this was definitely a very special, very lovely day, a wicker & roses day.

Laura Leigh

I saw Wicker & Roses in a newspaper on my mother's vanity one day, and I became really attached to the phrase. I thought there was very little in life that could be better than wicker and roses. I still kind of think that.

Also, that was the day I discovered the power of a little black dress, although that one has long since been retired ... and for the record, I am fairly certain that I wore it with some sort of choker/collar/sparkly little necklace. Yikes.

Thursday June 1st 2000

Dear Journal,

Today was our 9th grade trip to Dorney Park, and I seriously had the BEST time ever! It was 87 degrees out, perfect weather, and there was a water park - it was such an incredibly great time!

Tomorrow is Moving Up Day, and we get our yearbooks. I have so many different feelings towards this- excitement, fear, sadness, a bit of regret, and a lot of joy. If someone had asked me in September what I thought this year would be like, I would have said a joke, a joke that I was NOT looking forward to. Well this turned out to be the best year of my life, a huge time for me to grow and mature, and start to see life in new views. I'm excited for the future, but I'm never ever going to forget my time at Gelinas. When I think about the changes I have gone through, both good and bad, all my friends, lost and gained, and all my tears, sad and joyful, a smile will always spread across my face, because I'm growing up, and these are the best times of my life.

Laura Leigh

You may have noticed a pattern here. As a teenager, every goddam day was some great awakening for me. I mean Jesus. And to be honest, when I think back to junior high a smile does not spread across my face, because for the most part, I can't even remember most of it. I have either blocked much of it out, or my memory is going as I age.

May 24th, 2000

I think Perfect is a word used not often enough, too many people look for that textbook definition, but really, if you're happy, isn't that perfect enough?

We trap ourselves, and allow ourselves to feel immense sadness so easily and frequently, but we put a block and a limit on how often we can truly be happy. Happiness is no limits, and no limits is freedom. Happiness = Freedom.

Laura Leigh

And of course, Freedom = Happiness. What a freakin' smart little teenager I was.

Sunday May 7th, 2000

Dear Journal,

On Thursday we took our Bio trip to Cape Cod. I had a really nice time, it was a lot of fun and the weather was fabulous! We got back last night around 5:30.

Today was the Special Olympics, which I volunteer for. Our athlete, Tommy, took a liking to Leanne, but had a problem with me! He hit me and cursed at me, he even pinched me, I couldn't believe it, ha!! I'm glad I did it though.

Today it went up past 90 degrees, it is So hot.

Laura Leigh

Ahh Tommy. He kept hitting me and calling me "Turkey." Strange, strange memory.

Tuesday May 2nd 2000

Dear Journal,

Tonight we got our pix back from Africa, it almost makes me wanna cry, it was the most amazing experience of my life, and its over. Pictures don't do it justice, but at least I have memories forever ...

Tonight I walked Shane around the Millpond. Last year in the last few months of school I did it every night, and I had forgotten how much I loved and looked forward to my walk every night. I was inhaling spring, how much I love it!!

Laura Leigh

I won't lie, I will never stop loving that dog. I still cannot think of him without choking up.

Friday April 14th 2000

Dear Journal,

Life's path is constantly teaching me things, giving me new ideas, and reminding me of past thoughts. In Health we are studying death. Mrs. Hendricks said we were put on this earth to die, to do 5 things- Born, Grow, Mature, Age, Die. She tells us we're on number three. Perhaps in the big scheme of things that is all we are here to do, but on a more personal level, that's not even the half of it. We're born to love, to give, take, receive, learn, lose ...We're born with such an openness to possibility, so much potential and capacity for life. There are so many different things that life offers, not just birth and death. I like to do volunteer work, I've done it before, and its always because I wanna help, but there's always the transcripts it'll go on, the Honor Society that may accept you because of it. Tonight I walked up to my church to spend an hour making Easter baskets for the soup kitchen children. This task won't get me into any club, it wasn't done to help me look good, I just did it, and as I did it I kept thinking of the amazement these children are going to experience when they see all this. As I was walking up to the church tonight I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that life can never be bad. If you really look at it, God may throw death, loss and failure your way, but even at its worst, life is never less than good. I really think that life is made up of moments. The good ones are beautified into memories, bittersweet ones into experiences, and painful ones into true lessons. I don't have much figured out, after all, I'm only 15, but I've seen enough to have lessons learned, and memories filled with experience, and an abundance of grace.

Laura Leigh

I don't have much figured out, after all, I'm only 25 ...

Mrs. Hendricks was that one teacher in Gelinas Junior High that everyone took pretty damn seriously, after all, health class is no laughing matter.

Saturday February 19th 2000

Dear Journal,

This has certainly been a strange week, a strange, strange week, bursting at the seams with emotion!

Nothing went quite as planned, yet it all worked out somehow.

Am I happy ...? Maybe. I don't really have anything figured out at the moment, but I don't mind that at all.

I got my hair dyed and cut today, really dark, and although everyone prefers me "blonde" I like me dark, I love it actually.

Laura Leigh

Just another day in the life of fourteen-year-old Laura Leigh.

September 1st, 2004

Dear Journal,

It's the early morning of the first day of September. I cannot believe that this summer is over. I blinked and it flashed right by me. Oh my. These are the best times and they go so fast.

Oh man. Friday was my surgery. Not cool. At first I wasn't even in pain or anything, and I could even deal with all the lying around, but these past few days I have been feeling seriously ill. Food grosses me out, I'm having intense headaches, and something as small as going to the food store leaves me exhausted! I hate being so helpless and dependent on people. I'm bored as hell since all of my friends have gone back to school, and I am very uncomfortable. This is all putting me in a horrible mood but I just gotta deal with it. One positive thing is that yesterday I was alone in the house, dirty, like seriously dirty and cranky, when I heard the front door slam and someone run up the stairs and suddenly Kate was standing in front of me! I was shocked. She drove from Connecticut to surprise me and it was fabulous, the greatest surprise ever!

Laura Leigh

She washed my hair for me, then took me to Plastercraze to paint. What are best friends for?!

Going back to Boston on crutches and trying to keep up with everyone was certainly not easy, but if anyone can party in a giant cast, I wash the girl for the job.

Friday, June 4th 2004

Dear Journal,

Back on the east coast again!! The road trip was a crazy time though! Last Sunday turned out to be the most eventful day of our trip. First, Maddi got a speeding ticket in Oklahoma so she was pretty moody. We'd just had a really long day and we were getting antsy at having been in the car for so long, and we had also realized that the Lebanon we would be staying in that night was not in Kansas, but rather, Missouri. So we didn't have a hotel reservation. So we got to Lebanon Missouri late in the evening and saw that there was an Applebees and we were psyched to eat a real meal. So as we were driving down the road we heard a loud POP! and suddenly realized that one of our tires had blown. We called for roadside assistance cause we were not strong enough to get the lug nuts off, and while we waited we went next door to a small gas station to ask if they had auto repair shops nearby. The woman who worked there was kind of creepy and laughed at us, then said that it sounded like we'd be in "Leb-nin for a few days, being that it was Sunday and the next day was Memorial day." So we checked into the shadiest little motel and spent the night bummed about losing a day on our road trip. But when we awoke on Monday, by some miracle, there was a tire place that was open! We needed a tire and a rim because the reason for the damage was that we had run over some kind of four-inch bolt that pierced through both the tire and the rim. We were shocked to be on the road before noon!!

That night we stayed in Columbus, Ohio, then we drove to Philadelphia for our last day of road trippin. We got lost in Philly and couldn't quite get downtown. We spent a good hour driving through a bad neighborhood. There was a man selling pies in the street. He wore a bow tie. We finally made it to our hotel, which was next to City Hall in the middle of Philadelphia, which is a really beautiful city. Lauren lives outside of Philly so she came to stay. We went out to a nice dinner to celebrate making it back to the east coast, then later we got stoned on the steps of City Hall which was pretty fucking cool. On Wednesday morning we went back to Lauren's and she took us to her local Jewish deli for breakfast before we hit the road. A few hours later we were driving through Manhattan, and before we knew it, we were home. I can't believe we made it from coast to coast! It was quite a trip.

That night we hung out at Annie's and I got pretty drunk. Maddi's parents are away so last night we all chilled there and had a good time. I worked today and will for the rest of the weekend.

... One thing I noticed while we were in Oklahoma, we were stopped for lunch at a McDonald's and I noticed this van of guys in the parking lot. They were young and mean-looking; long hair, goatees and beards, tattoos, pretty generic bad-guy look. I glanced at one of the guys just as a car drove past him and I watched him follow it with his eyes as it pulled into a parking space and the look I saw on his face actually made me hurt. It was a hateful, violent look, and I knew immediately that there were black people in that car. Sure enough, when I glanced out the other window, a black family emerged from the car. What I had just seen made me feel really sad and ashamed. There really is nothing but shame, shame and hopelessness, because how do we undo it? When we found ourselves in a poor side of Philly I thought again to what I had seen in Oklahoma, and as I looked out the window I did not see a single white face. This was an all black neighborhood. I didn't feel threatened or unsafe, that I was on the wrong side of town, but I began to wonder, as I so often do, what the world would be like if we hadn't destroyed the human race. Not only did we divide it, but then we dared to take charge of each other. I feel as if these wrongs can never be righted, and I feel that there can be no redemption. I wish I was wrong, but the past is too painful, and too permanent, and so for now, and perhaps for always, the races will separate themselves. Black people, for instance, will stay together, and most white people won't mind a bit. They don't want to be bothered with the "violence" and "drugs" produced on "black territory."

LL

I'd just like to announce that I have done my part to bring us all together ... wink wink.

Sunday May 30th 2004

Dear Journal,

I'm in the back of Maddi's car, we just left our motel and we're driving from Amarillo, Texas, through Oklahoma, Missouri, and stopping for the night in Lebanon, Kansas. Woohoo! California was a lot of fun. The weather is great- no humidity! I never realized how different the west coast is from the east coast! So different, but good times nonetheless.

We left California on Thursday morning and stayed in fabulous Las Vegas that night. Vegas was fun. We walked the strip and went to the Stratosphere. The girls insisted on one of those Vegas buffets, then we went up to the observation deck and the view was amazing. We were gonna ride the roller coaster up there but it was windy so they closed it down. Later we did some gambling and won about $10, haha! We decided to walk the strip but apparently we were on the wrong side of town, we kept getting hit on by creepy guys, including one who said we've got "a case of the sexies." Then he asked us if we wanted to spark a joint. Good stuff. After we walked a little farther a limo pulled up beside us and there was this old guy and this blonde woman and they invited us into their limo. We politely declined but they kept asking. The woman was Russian, and they were probably harmless but we weren't getting in!! We hit a few more casinos but then we were tired so we headed back to the hotel soon after. The next day we drove onto Arizona. We got to the Grand Canyon late afternoon. The girls had never seen it and they were amazed. I still remember hiking to the bottom on a family vacation a few years back. I miss family vacations! We stayed in Winslow, Arizona that night. We got really stoned that night and went to bed. Yesterday we drove on the interstate all day and got to Amarillo last night before 8. We bought some beer and ordered some pizza and just chilled. Now it's on to Kansas! We just passed "the biggest cross in the western hemisphere!" haha. So we've been to some sketchy little towns where we've stuck out like sore thumbs, but our road trip is going well and we're having a great time road trippin' ...

Laura Leigh

That road trip was my first ever experience driving stick shift. Nothing like a cross country drive to cut your teeth. I'll never forget stalling out repeatedly at a toll booth, half screaming half laughing as we skidded through. Elizabeth did a stellar job of mapping out the entire trip.

Monday May 17th 1999

Dear Journal,

I had a terrible day at school today, and unfortunately, it's like one day's great and the next is HELL. I feel like I'm wearing my emotions on the outside, as if everyone can see how confused I am. I am scared, and unsure, and when I try to fix the pain I just hurt more.

Am I missing something? I don't see anything that bad about me, yet somehow I turn everyone away. Obviously I'm repulsive. I don't treat myself right, let alone anyone else. The people in Gelinas just make me feel not good enough. It's like I am in there screaming out words and no one can hear me or understand me. I am hurting, yet some people choose to push me harder.

I took two tests today. I think I failed them both.

I can't handle it. I think I am gonna burst. I want out. Out of here, or maybe ... I just want to prove myself to them. Impossible.

Laura Leigh

Obviously I'm repulsive and kids in junior high don't just happen to be a bunch of pricks ...

You lose a few friends when you're young and you really start to question your worth. Thanks guys!!

Sunday May 9th, 1999

Dear Journal,

Today I experienced a revelation, actually, I experienced it this week. I've decided that I'm no longer living to please others, I am going to make myself happy, and stop suffering in hopes that they'll acknowledge me. The way I see it, if I'm not hurting anyone, then I should do what I want. I am not dressing to please them, only myself. It is time to take full advantage of my life. Truly. If it's at all believable, I am going to be happy.

Laura Leigh

I must have written this same entry like 15 times throughout the course of my teenage life. I used 'them' a lot in my journals back in those days. I think at 14, 'them' is pretty much everyone in the world that you are paranoid enough to believe actually gives a shit about your life.

January 22 2005

Clouds in Brugge. I’m watching European tourists at a bench across the cobblestone eat Begian French fries with mayonnaise. His girlfriend takes a digital picture of him then shows him the result.

Today behind the hostel we smoked a fat blunt that Kelly and I had fashioned out of two cheap cigars. We are so hungover and so high. We just ate Belgian waffles. They tasted just as I had dreamed they would, clouds of whipped cream sat on top of the glistening perfection as I dropped powdered sugar all over my shirt and sipped a steaming hot chocolate. Kelly tipped her cup upside down to ensure that every last drop would slide down her throat. We sat there in confection heaven of Belgian splendor and I was hungover and stoned but the moment wrapped itself around my shoulders and my waist and took me in. We share this. Now we are sitting in the middle of the square, sitting by a statue below the Belgian clouds and the sun that gazes on my hair, back, shoulder and right leg, and the church bells are singing to gather everyone on the cobblestone and my hands are cold in a pleasant way.

What you want and what you have are, more often than not, two completely separate identities.

This morning while we were quite stoned and wandering the dizzy streets of Brugge, a European gentleman on a bicycle stopped Lauren, who was wearing big sunglasses, and told her how he had seen her and was struck, as she reminded him of a woman from his past. He was shuddering as he spoke to her and we were far too high to clearly assess the situation. At first I thought, maybe he was going to rob us, as Lauren removed her sunglasses at his request he held himself back from reaching to touch her face. The whole situation was desperately intense and eventually he apologized and climbed onto his bike, apologized again, and rode off.

We didn’t know what to make of it. We were somewhat frightened but also intrigued by what we had just witnessed- he really did seem to be in shock at the sight of Lauren, and I imagined being older and randomly noticing someone who reminded me of someone from my past and being struck by the whirlwind of traveling backwards in my mind. I’m glad we met him, and I am also gld that we did not ask him who she was.

You can’t get answers if you have the wrong questions.

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Belgium. That was quite a trip. We were so much together and all so alone. There was something poetic about the haze we were in for the better part of that trip.

Tuesday February 15th 2000

Dear Journal,

Today was an extreme day from HELL! It occurred to me that life is never going to get better, just bearable, not even that most of the time!

High School won't be any better than this shit! I did the worst thing I could do today, I broke down crying in school, something I always tried NEVER to do! Everything just sucks, nothing can make it better, and it won't even get easier, just harder! Life was a cruel punishment.

Laura Leigh

There have been too many positive, good-time entries lately. I thought it fitting to revisit the early 2000s, and my sick little lonely heart.

Thursday April 27th, 2000

Dear Journal,

I am laying on the beach in Cape Town South Africa right now, enjoying the view of the ocean, the sun on my back and the breeze on my face, and as corny as that may sound, it's complete perfection for me now! Sabi Sabi was one of the most memorable places I have ever been in my life- it was so amazing. The night sky there was breathtaking, and I am never going to forget Sabi Sabi, the animals, even tracking through huge spiderwebs was an adventure.

Cape Town is the perfect place to end this vacation. It's beautiful! To my left behind all the glamorous houses and our hotel are huge rocky mountains. To my right is the beautiful, sparkling ocean, and above me an intense blue sky and blazing sun- Paradise.

Katy and I spent a good portion of our day out shopping, here now to lay in the sun, while our parents are at some wineries. This vacation has been more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined, and I am so thankful.

Laura Leigh

Ahh our family vacation to Zimbabwe and South Africa. It was unreal.

July 7th, 2004, 12:32pm

Dear Journal,

Friday at work was fabulous. Me, Leah and Leanne were all working at the snack bar and it was rainy and gross out, so we started the festivities off by being "Pirates" ... Dave would ask us if we wanted to be Pirates and then when we replied with a fervent YES we would take shots of dark rum. We set some soft shell crabs free into the water by the bathing area which was pretty fun, very invigorating, and then we decided, with the help of Oliver's management expertise, that we were going to close the snack bar down. So Ollie went on a beer run while we did the only natural thing there was to do - stay on the clock and make ourselves ridiculous amounts of food. So that's what we did. Once we closed everything up we went to one of the member's cabanas and drank beers and hung out. Nights like that at the snack bar are a rarity, and it was damn good times! That night I wanted to see Rob but I couldn't really get in touch with him, so the girls and I went to Shamrocks. Ohhh man, what a night, what a fucking night. I ended up driving out which was fine really, I was bummed about not seeing Rob and I didn't really feel like drinking a whole lot anyway. So in the car were me, Leah, Leanne, Jenny, Chad and Katy. (continued on July 27th at 2:31am) So we drive out to Shamrocks which is really SUCH a Long Island club. It's most redeeming quality by far is the beer pong section of the club, off to the side from the bar. There are so many "Lawn Guyland" chicks and guys there that it's ridiculous, so we kinda stick out like sore thumbs, but hey, whatever! So Katy, Jenny and Leanne proceed to get obliterated, these girls are seriously drunk, and two of them decided to partake in the night's festivities ... jello wrestling ... in a baby pool with tons of guys screaming and cheering. Oh my.

Leah and I thought it was funny at first and egged them on, but soon we realized that we were horrible friends. So those two jello wrestled and at one point Jenny started doing a little striptease, but luckily she didn't take anything off, I would have died! So finally it's about 3am and I am exhausted and every girl I'm with is with a different guy, so I'm standing there alone in a pretty bad mood and I just wanna leave. I finally round everyone up and Katy makes me drive home this lame guy that she met. So I drive him home and I'm in kind of a mood - everyone is SO drunk and I just wanna get home at this point. So I'm driving along on Montauk Highway when I pass a cop car. No big deal, I'm sober and going the speed limit ... but then he starts to follow me. And just as I realize he is following me, the girls take a photo in the back of the car so a flash goes off. He immediately pulls me over. Now I am borderline freaking out cause even though I hadn't been drinking I had had sips of some of their drinks and New York has a zero tolerance law which means that since I am under 21 if he breathalizes me I get arrested. So he looks at me and asks for my license and registration and then without another word he tells me to get out of the car and go around back. What an asshole. He didn't have to make me so uncomfortable, first of all. Around back? Fucker. So I got to the back of the car and now I am shaking as he shines a light in my eyes and repeatedly accuses me of being drunk. I keep telling him I'm not but he doesn't let up, so he makes me follow his finger with my eyes and then keeps asking what I had to drink. "Your pupils are telling me you've been drinking," he keeps saying. Bullshit. He asks me if I am wearing contacts and I tell him no, that I just left a smokey club. (and its 3am!!) So he makes me put both of my feet together, stick one leg out in front of me and count to 30 going, "one, one thousand, two, one thousand ... " I am the clumsiest girl alive, I didn't think I was gonna make it. But I tried, and while the leg that was on the ground shook viciously, I counted, repeating in my head that if I fall I go to jail. By the grace of some higher being I made it the full 30 seconds and calmly dropped my leg to the ground. With that, the horn of his squadcar beeped. I think he had somewhere to be, so he told me to drive straight and go home. I got in the car and thought that I was going to die, I was shaking so hard I could barely turn it on. I drove the speed limit the whole way home and on Sunrise Highway Katy and I got into a huge screaming match over ridiculous shit. She just started doing her drunk Katy routine and I went off on her- I couldn't take it, it had been a long night. Luckily the girls chimed in and helped me shut her up.

She didn't remeber it the next mornign and I filled her in. She felt bad ... See, dad treats me so badly in situations that involve her, so I have this building resentment and she thinks it's towards her so she gets upset that I'm treating her wrong and picks fights with me. We are both at fault for our poor communication. Anyway, I made it home and got in bed by almost 5am and felt crappy on Saturday.

On Saturday Leah and I worked a private wedding with Oliver, which was pretty easy, then Sunday I worked a wedding at the club and by Sunday night I was SO beat! Just exhausted. Yesterday I putzed around and got some errands done then last night we went to Rob's, well me, Jackee, Annie and Leah. Katy met us there later. Jackee thinks he's trashy and too ghetto and that I could do so much better. The fact is she's right, and we are as different as night and day. I show up to his house in this long, flowy flowered skirt and I'm such a white girl, and he's dressed so different, listening to rap and shit but still, if he and I are okay with the drastic differences between us why can't she be? I'm not even that upset cause it's not like I'm dating him. I think this is a 95% physical attraction we have and that's why we hang out. I didn't have sex with him last night although I got pretty tempted ... I like hanging out with him and I can overlook the differences because he and I are both going to get what we want out of this. So that's that. I'm exhausted now. Time for bed.

LL

I spent that summer randomly driving my mom's car all the way out to Riverhead. I always made up reasons why there was no gas in her car. A few years later I told her what I'd really been up. The one time he did show up in Stony Brook, to a party at Annies ... well that was quite a night.

7/23/04 2:33pm

An excerpt-

On Monday night I went out to Riverhead with Leah, Leanne and Jenny to hang out with Rob, a guy I met when I was out one night. His house is awesome and his roommates are all really cool, but I don't think I was what he expected. As a matter of fact, I know I wasn't, but I like him, so we'll see where it goes. I am one of the most sarcastic people alive so the whole night he thought I was just being a mean bitch to him while I thought I was just kidding around. Needless to say we ended up having this loooooooong talk/heart-to-heart type of conversation, which was very draining for a girl like me who tries to steer clear of that kind of thing at all costs. I never knew some guys could be so sensitive, especially a young black guy whose covered in tattoos. Hmm, I guess some people surprise you! I am thinking I can look past his sensitivity if he can chill out like I told him to. We made up and he kissed my forehead, which was really cute, then we finished up the night with quite an intense make-out session that I have to say I am certainly looking forward to repeating. He lives all the way out in Riverhead though so I can't see him too often, but if I do get to hang out with him I'm gonna take it slow. I don't wanna sleep with him or anything, I wanna try to do things different this time. Too bad he can't be a keeper, I'm going back to school in just over a month!

On Tuesday we dragged most of the OFC staff to the Country Corner after work where I proceeded to get completely tanked. I didn't realize how drunk I was until we got back to Leanne's and I passed out on her bed fully clothed. I felt pretty shitty the next morning but nevertheless, we stopped by the Village Grocer to pick up some beer and we were off to a Yankees game. Yanks vs. Blue Jays. We came out on top, 10-2. Great game!! Gotta love the ball games! I worked yesterday and I am working today at three, but at the beach with Leah and Leanne and the weather is pretty shitty so I'm crossing my fingers for a decent time of it. Alright, there's my update. Having a great time, as usual.

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I can't believe I share this shit with the world.

Saturday, September 1st 2001

I wish I could just be different, someone else- but maybe just on the outside. I wish I could say that I was above all that shit, but I'm not, not even close. It's not fair, and I fucking know that life's not supposed to be, but I'm tired. I'm just tired. It's so sad, but if I had one wish, I'd wish that for just one day, even one hour, I could be one of those people that just walks down the street and doesn't need make-up, one of the beautiful ones. I'd give anything to know that feeling, and I also know that I never will. I went out with friends to see a movie tonight, and my whole night was ruined by that one realization.

Laura Leigh

When I went out this morning to grab coffee I hadn't washed my face yet. My hair was thrown up in a bun, and I was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, but no bra. Perhaps I've come too far ...

Monday, September 3rd, 2001

Dear Journal,

That shit I was just talking about on Saturday - one day I am gonna be over it! I'm gonna start today. Maybe I shouldn't be tired of the fact that I'm not gorgeous, or the fact that I'm not perfect, I should be tired of the fact that I'm just a scared little shit, tired of the fact that I never go after what I want, because I'm afraid of rejection, or afraid to fail. Fear is such a stupid reason not to succeed. I want something, I don't have to trample other people to get it, I just have to make myself a little more vulnerable- and it's time! I'm gonna do this MY WAY. Complicated or not, it's a small risk, one I should just take. If I start with one little one, eventually I'll be ready to take on the world. I've spent 16 years in comfortable surroundings, rejection or failure isn't fun, but they're lessons I'll learn eventually, why not now? I keep wasting precious seconds of my life being afraid, but if I just do it, then think about it later I may mess up sometimes, but I'll find out it's so much more fun!

Today the whole family went to my Uncle Danny and Aunt Kathy's house. Being with them is my comfort, my home. I can just laugh with them and play with them, and there's nothing to be afraid of. People who are always sad or mad or stressed scare me, don't they realize they're wasting their lives?

Laura Leigh

Taking into consideration that this was written by my extremely insecure 16-year-old self, I still think I was onto something. My friend Kel has this quote she lives by- we were actually just discussing it the other night- that I am starting to realize the impact of: "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" My insecurities then were more focused on being a teenage girl and feeling invisible and ugly, but those issues were manifesting themselves in every facet of my life. I think at this point I started to realize that I was missing the party, and that lots of ugly girls were having fun, so why shouldn't I just get the hell over myself? That may sound ridiculous, but I had to start somewhere. If I couldn't believe I was pretty, maybe I could forget that I wasn't.

June 2001 - "The Things I Wonder at 1am"

If we divided the good men from the bad, I sometimes wonder, which side would weigh out.

And if a life was measured by dreams come true, I wonder how many lives would break the scale, or how few, for that matter.

And if each soul was judged by the thoughts in their minds, how many of our angels would be filth?

If there is a hell can you redeem yourself? And is heaven only for the saints?

If I die tomorrow will I have left a mark in even just one single soul, or just some momentary tears on many faces?

I wonder, do these questions have answers, and I wonder, does God know me?

Laura Leigh

I got all of those philosophical questions out of my system by 16.

Saturday, May 5th 2001

Dear Journal,

I love May! This whole week the weather has been amazing! Warm and pretty! Next week is going to be stressful, I'm trying to pull my grades up for the last few weeks of school, and I have my AP exam this Friday - Yikes!

Although things rarely go perfectly, I'm feeling very positive right now. Life is just exciting, things happen, and I like that!

Even though I have tons to do this summer I'm glad it's on the way!

Laura Leigh

I worked hard in college, but honestly, that shit was way easier than the crap they stressed us out about in high school.

Saturday, August 25th 2001

Dear Journal,

Last night I worked at a wedding rehearsal dinner, then today I went to my cousin's Bride-to-be bridal shower, then tomorrow I am going to spend all day working at a wedding - I think I've had my fill of the whole marriage thing! It kinda makes you think about the future. Someday (I hope) that'll be my bridal shower, and my wedding rehearsal dinner, and my wedding. That's so crazy to think about! I'm a teenager, a day-to-day kinda gal. On the day-to-day note, I am so ready for fall, ready to go back to school, and ready to endure all the craziness that comes with it! It's gonna be hard- I've said that a million times- but I really feel ready. For the longest time I was dreading this year, the "most important year of high school," but that was because I was so certain of where I wanted to go to college, so afraid I had to make it in or life would be over. Now I feel different, not to say I don't care, I really do, but I'm gonna work hard and let life run its course, worrying and stressing can't change that. Paul and I discussed that tonight on our shopping trip. We, or I, picked out his fall wardrobe- it's awesome! But we both decided we didn't wanna waste our lives being sad, or worrying for that matter. It'll be fine!

Laura Leigh

Me and Paul, we just had it all figured out!

Sunday, June 26th 2005

I came home and had an awesome weekend on LI. It's always nice going home. Johnny and I are on a train back to the city. We were both pretty hungover and lazy today.

Yesterday it was HOT out and there was not a cloud in the sky. I went to the beach with Johnny. We met up with Leanne and her boyfriend Matt, and Catherine and Elizabeth came as well. It was glorious. Even the water wasn't too cold. We stayed at the beach all afternoon. I got freckled.

Last night Annie had people over. It turned into a pretty drunken party!! We bbq'd some burgers. Reenie had helped me make rum punch at home and Leanne had picked up beer for us. Johnny and I did pretty well at beer pong, our team name was the Pink Vinyl Purses! A lot of people showed up and everyone was pretty drunk and we all had fun. I got mad at Jackee because she got so drunk that she couldn't even stand herself up. I rarely see her quite so ridiculous. I took away her car keys. At one point Jackee came out with three cups full of ice and something dark, saying it was Jack & Coke. I sipped it, and tasted iced tea. What a drunk!

Johnny and I got home around 3am and ate pie before bed. As I was getting into bed Pomeroy called me and told me to come out. I said no. I was so drunk. But for some reason I decided to go. I threw on jeans and a tee-shirt and he picked me up. He took me to Andy's house. The boys were all drunk, playing a game called chugga' the mugga,' which consisted of filling a mug with beer and chugging it as everyone chanted "chugga lugga, chugga the mugga." I played a round and soon the keg was kicked. I went inside and sat on the couch with all the stoners and watched them in their stoned delight as they listened to Sublime. I hit the bowl before I headed back to the deck and chilled with Pomeroy. I don't know why but I just like that kid, I think he's smarter than he lets on.

LL

This was an epic night.

Tuesday, May 27th 2003

Dear Journal,

He didn't say, "I feel it too," and though she denied it, deep down she wanted it so bad. And although she prepared for the worst, although I prepared her completely for what came, there is no such thing as prepared. So we sat in her car at 12:15am and spoke of the feelings, and she cried, and I listened.

There's part of being a teenager that is nothing more than an eternal pessimism. Every heartache or break is the pain of the world ending, the heavens crashing upon our shoulders. A part of the hurting teenager will stay with us forever and serve as our defense. We will fear vulnerability because we will remember. That part becomes our guard.

And we grow up.

LL

For the life of me I have no idea who "she" is. Maybe my sis? Regardless, I must say, I was much smarter as a teenager than I can ever hope to be again.

Wednesday, July 7th 2004

Dear Journal,

My friends and I have far too much fun with our lives- we really do - it's just ridiuclous! We're like little boys; were awfully immature, especially our senses of humor, and we're dirty. This summer has been such an absolute blast! I don't know how people grow old, I really don't, because I love this - I love everything about it. The freedom is unbelievable, why must we ever grow out of it?

Jess' parents were away this week so we've been having some fun at her house. On the 4th of July after everyone got good and wasted at work we all moved the party to her place. When we woke up the next morning we had family breakfast- me, Jess, Leah, Leanne, Jenny, Eric and his friend Gary. That day was "Jess' day of fun!" Me, Leah, Leanne and Jess went food shopping, then picked up wine, rum and pizza and promptly spend our afternoon getting wasted. We made pina coladas and sat in the backyard, it really was fabulous. A few friends stopped by later in the night, but it really was our day! That night while I was watching the Yankees game, drunk, I decided that we needed to go to Tuesday's ball game, so we ordered tickets.

Jess had to work yesterday so we brought Jenny Cash with us. I drove in and me, Leah, Leanne and Jenny tailgated for a while with some nice cold beers before the game. We had $14 seats, so we were all the way up top, and after the 4th inning we decided that those seats simply would not suffice so me and my drunk girlfriends ran downstairs to try our luck behind home plate. Sure enough there were four fabulous seats right there and we gladly made ourselves comfortable. The only bad thing about moving into the really great seats is that the people down there simply do not enjoy them. It's all uptight businessmen in their gingham shirts and snotty rich people who don't appreciate loud, drunk, obnoxious, die-hard Yankee fans like us! We really pissed off one couple that was sitting next to us. He told me that we were giving him a headache so I offered him some Advil and told the entire section to quiet down. They left soon after. Some people seriously need to lighten up. Their lives must be so BLAND! The security guys loved us, although they had to warn us for using the word "suck" in such a proper section. A few men, dressed in their business attire, of course came up to us saying "Go Red Sox," ad I screamed that he was out of the game. Then, to our delight, security really did make them leave! By the 9th inning, when it was painfully obvious that we had lost the game, I convinced Evan, a really hot security guard to let us down directly behind home plate where we enjoyed the final inning. I love baseball, and we had such a grand old time. The good seats, however, really should belong to true fans. At least put on a Yankees hat!

Today I went to the beach with Katy an Leanne and tonight all of us girls are taking it easy and watching a movie at Jess'. I am very sunburnt, it's pretty uncomfortable. Gosh, we lead pretty fabulous lives. We have more fun than anyone I know.

As my mom says, for us, every day is the fourth of July!

Laura Leigh

That summer the security guards at Yankee stadium let us get away with murder. Since then they've become much less forgiving. But who wouldn't love a group of drunk, rowdy little 19 year old girls!?

Beer. Pizza. Rum. No wonder I was so chubby that summer.

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Dear Journal,

I just had a fabulous two days! Aside from two days off of work, I had so much fun. Yesterday was the long awaited Red Sox vs. Yankees game! I went into the Bronx with Leah, Katy and her friend mid-afternoon. Leah and I had both made shirts 'cause we're cool like that. Mine said "I love Mel," on the front because I'm obsessed with the Yankees pitching coach, even if he could be my grandfathers! Leah's said "I love Bernie," because Bernie Williams really is the best! The backs of our shirts said "Where's Travis?" although we both know that our luscious short-term first baseman will likely not be returning. We tailgated in the parking lot before the game started at 7. We got wasted. Leah and I were belligerently drunk. We lost our voices from screaming through the entire game. We screamed at all the Red Sox, and their fans of course. We made a lot of friends in our row because the guys thought we were fucking hysterical. We had pretty good seats and we had an absolute blast!! Right before the end of the game we ran downstairs to the seats right behind the field. It was awesome. The Yanks won 11-3 and we had the most insane time!

When we got back into town we met some of the girls at Country Corner and I stayed drunk throughout. We smoked with some guys at the bar, including an old dude, and we were all piss drunk when we walked home around 3. Today we went to the beach. It was glorious. We had some great swim time in the waves and some good nap action in the sand. Tonight we chilled at Annie's. I've been having a fucking blast!

Laura Leigh

Nothing cures a hangover like the beach.

Wednesday, February 5th 2003

Dear Journal,

I spend a great deal of time sitting on my bed ... listening to music while doing homework, reading poetry or leafing through photographs. I spend a great deal of time with myself and I rather enjoy my company. Today at the shelter we were all in a cramped room playing with the kids. I was helping Jaritza do her homework while the little boys jumped on each other noisily and rambunctiously- adorably! One night at work Matt, the Chef said, "I wish I was four again man, just running around!" And he started spinning around the kitchen like an uninhibited child. When do we get inhibitions I wonder? These children are great fun, and they love life. There is so much potential there. I wish I knew how to reach in and coax that potential out. I want to.

LL

The Lov'em shelter, where we spent Wednesday afternoons running around with kids and helping them do their homework. Those kids were so special, and that shelter was so crowded, it always made me sad to realize how bad their chances really were. I was never unaware, however, that as little kids they had yet to realize they'd been dealt a crappy hand in life, and that all they wanted was a piggy-back-ride or someone to read them stories.

Wednesday, June 5th 2002

Dear Journal,

Every time I let myself take life too seriously I end up feeling like shit! You'd think I would have learned by now. Life's too damn short to take so seriously! It's about having a good time. I take it too seriously! Four school days left of junior year, and it's funny, I'm so excited to be a senior, have fun then head off to college, but I'm gonna miss all this petty high school shit. Im gonna miss it all! My bad moods have been getting worse- and i know summer can fix it- but I'm rushing my life, wishing it all away. Someday I'll say, "If I knew then what I know now." But I don't, do I?!

Laura Leigh

I still don't know much, but life was pretty fun those last couple years of high school. It's more fun now though, except for the part where everyone has a job, that part is lame.

Wednesday, May 29th 2002

I just had the most absolutely amazing night ever!

Leah, Jess, Leanne, Kristen and I all went into the city to see Dave Matthews Band perform at Madison Square Garden and I just had such an awesome time!

They were amazing, their music just blows me away. I remember at one point I was just dancing and singing along and I thought, "This is it, this is being young. This is what it's all about." I had such an awesome time, it was the most kick ass night.

Laura Leigh

I know I was a dork but at least by 2002 I was a happy dork!

Monday, May 27th 2002

Dear Journal,

Summer is right on the tip of my tongue and I can taste it! I am SO excited for school to be over- it's time for junior year to end.

Plus, Wednesday is the Dave Matthews concert that my friends and I have been looking forward to for months. I'm so psyched. It's time to get out of the rut I've been stuck in.

Laura Leigh

Ahh, DMB concerts in high school. Those were good times. Getting stoned, singing along and just generally feeling amazing.

Wednesday, May 8th 2002

Dear Journal,

The year is winding down, the weather is really becoming beautiful, and yet there is this sadness lurking, this whirl of uncertainty; I can feel change in the air. The great tide of change is approaching, swelling and churning with each day that goes by. I can't put my finger on it, can't describe it exactly, but I feel kind of like I'm sinking. For the first time, I'm scared of life, of life in general, and still, I contemplate, do I take it seriously, or say "screw it!" and just exist - come what may. I don't know, and that's what makes it so very daunting while still so very lovely. Everything feels so delicate right now, and for some reason, I anticipate a shatter. I want to be wrong.

Laura Leigh

Life is so damn serious when you're 17. Too bad the great tide of change didn't pull me under and keep me there for a few years.