Monday May 17th 1999

Dear Journal,

I had a terrible day at school today, and unfortunately, it's like one day's great and the next is HELL. I feel like I'm wearing my emotions on the outside, as if everyone can see how confused I am. I am scared, and unsure, and when I try to fix the pain I just hurt more.

Am I missing something? I don't see anything that bad about me, yet somehow I turn everyone away. Obviously I'm repulsive. I don't treat myself right, let alone anyone else. The people in Gelinas just make me feel not good enough. It's like I am in there screaming out words and no one can hear me or understand me. I am hurting, yet some people choose to push me harder.

I took two tests today. I think I failed them both.

I can't handle it. I think I am gonna burst. I want out. Out of here, or maybe ... I just want to prove myself to them. Impossible.

Laura Leigh

Obviously I'm repulsive and kids in junior high don't just happen to be a bunch of pricks ...

You lose a few friends when you're young and you really start to question your worth. Thanks guys!!

Sunday May 9th, 1999

Dear Journal,

Today I experienced a revelation, actually, I experienced it this week. I've decided that I'm no longer living to please others, I am going to make myself happy, and stop suffering in hopes that they'll acknowledge me. The way I see it, if I'm not hurting anyone, then I should do what I want. I am not dressing to please them, only myself. It is time to take full advantage of my life. Truly. If it's at all believable, I am going to be happy.

Laura Leigh

I must have written this same entry like 15 times throughout the course of my teenage life. I used 'them' a lot in my journals back in those days. I think at 14, 'them' is pretty much everyone in the world that you are paranoid enough to believe actually gives a shit about your life.

January 22 2005

Clouds in Brugge. I’m watching European tourists at a bench across the cobblestone eat Begian French fries with mayonnaise. His girlfriend takes a digital picture of him then shows him the result.

Today behind the hostel we smoked a fat blunt that Kelly and I had fashioned out of two cheap cigars. We are so hungover and so high. We just ate Belgian waffles. They tasted just as I had dreamed they would, clouds of whipped cream sat on top of the glistening perfection as I dropped powdered sugar all over my shirt and sipped a steaming hot chocolate. Kelly tipped her cup upside down to ensure that every last drop would slide down her throat. We sat there in confection heaven of Belgian splendor and I was hungover and stoned but the moment wrapped itself around my shoulders and my waist and took me in. We share this. Now we are sitting in the middle of the square, sitting by a statue below the Belgian clouds and the sun that gazes on my hair, back, shoulder and right leg, and the church bells are singing to gather everyone on the cobblestone and my hands are cold in a pleasant way.

What you want and what you have are, more often than not, two completely separate identities.

This morning while we were quite stoned and wandering the dizzy streets of Brugge, a European gentleman on a bicycle stopped Lauren, who was wearing big sunglasses, and told her how he had seen her and was struck, as she reminded him of a woman from his past. He was shuddering as he spoke to her and we were far too high to clearly assess the situation. At first I thought, maybe he was going to rob us, as Lauren removed her sunglasses at his request he held himself back from reaching to touch her face. The whole situation was desperately intense and eventually he apologized and climbed onto his bike, apologized again, and rode off.

We didn’t know what to make of it. We were somewhat frightened but also intrigued by what we had just witnessed- he really did seem to be in shock at the sight of Lauren, and I imagined being older and randomly noticing someone who reminded me of someone from my past and being struck by the whirlwind of traveling backwards in my mind. I’m glad we met him, and I am also gld that we did not ask him who she was.

You can’t get answers if you have the wrong questions.

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Belgium. That was quite a trip. We were so much together and all so alone. There was something poetic about the haze we were in for the better part of that trip.

Tuesday February 15th 2000

Dear Journal,

Today was an extreme day from HELL! It occurred to me that life is never going to get better, just bearable, not even that most of the time!

High School won't be any better than this shit! I did the worst thing I could do today, I broke down crying in school, something I always tried NEVER to do! Everything just sucks, nothing can make it better, and it won't even get easier, just harder! Life was a cruel punishment.

Laura Leigh

There have been too many positive, good-time entries lately. I thought it fitting to revisit the early 2000s, and my sick little lonely heart.

Thursday April 27th, 2000

Dear Journal,

I am laying on the beach in Cape Town South Africa right now, enjoying the view of the ocean, the sun on my back and the breeze on my face, and as corny as that may sound, it's complete perfection for me now! Sabi Sabi was one of the most memorable places I have ever been in my life- it was so amazing. The night sky there was breathtaking, and I am never going to forget Sabi Sabi, the animals, even tracking through huge spiderwebs was an adventure.

Cape Town is the perfect place to end this vacation. It's beautiful! To my left behind all the glamorous houses and our hotel are huge rocky mountains. To my right is the beautiful, sparkling ocean, and above me an intense blue sky and blazing sun- Paradise.

Katy and I spent a good portion of our day out shopping, here now to lay in the sun, while our parents are at some wineries. This vacation has been more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined, and I am so thankful.

Laura Leigh

Ahh our family vacation to Zimbabwe and South Africa. It was unreal.

July 7th, 2004, 12:32pm

Dear Journal,

Friday at work was fabulous. Me, Leah and Leanne were all working at the snack bar and it was rainy and gross out, so we started the festivities off by being "Pirates" ... Dave would ask us if we wanted to be Pirates and then when we replied with a fervent YES we would take shots of dark rum. We set some soft shell crabs free into the water by the bathing area which was pretty fun, very invigorating, and then we decided, with the help of Oliver's management expertise, that we were going to close the snack bar down. So Ollie went on a beer run while we did the only natural thing there was to do - stay on the clock and make ourselves ridiculous amounts of food. So that's what we did. Once we closed everything up we went to one of the member's cabanas and drank beers and hung out. Nights like that at the snack bar are a rarity, and it was damn good times! That night I wanted to see Rob but I couldn't really get in touch with him, so the girls and I went to Shamrocks. Ohhh man, what a night, what a fucking night. I ended up driving out which was fine really, I was bummed about not seeing Rob and I didn't really feel like drinking a whole lot anyway. So in the car were me, Leah, Leanne, Jenny, Chad and Katy. (continued on July 27th at 2:31am) So we drive out to Shamrocks which is really SUCH a Long Island club. It's most redeeming quality by far is the beer pong section of the club, off to the side from the bar. There are so many "Lawn Guyland" chicks and guys there that it's ridiculous, so we kinda stick out like sore thumbs, but hey, whatever! So Katy, Jenny and Leanne proceed to get obliterated, these girls are seriously drunk, and two of them decided to partake in the night's festivities ... jello wrestling ... in a baby pool with tons of guys screaming and cheering. Oh my.

Leah and I thought it was funny at first and egged them on, but soon we realized that we were horrible friends. So those two jello wrestled and at one point Jenny started doing a little striptease, but luckily she didn't take anything off, I would have died! So finally it's about 3am and I am exhausted and every girl I'm with is with a different guy, so I'm standing there alone in a pretty bad mood and I just wanna leave. I finally round everyone up and Katy makes me drive home this lame guy that she met. So I drive him home and I'm in kind of a mood - everyone is SO drunk and I just wanna get home at this point. So I'm driving along on Montauk Highway when I pass a cop car. No big deal, I'm sober and going the speed limit ... but then he starts to follow me. And just as I realize he is following me, the girls take a photo in the back of the car so a flash goes off. He immediately pulls me over. Now I am borderline freaking out cause even though I hadn't been drinking I had had sips of some of their drinks and New York has a zero tolerance law which means that since I am under 21 if he breathalizes me I get arrested. So he looks at me and asks for my license and registration and then without another word he tells me to get out of the car and go around back. What an asshole. He didn't have to make me so uncomfortable, first of all. Around back? Fucker. So I got to the back of the car and now I am shaking as he shines a light in my eyes and repeatedly accuses me of being drunk. I keep telling him I'm not but he doesn't let up, so he makes me follow his finger with my eyes and then keeps asking what I had to drink. "Your pupils are telling me you've been drinking," he keeps saying. Bullshit. He asks me if I am wearing contacts and I tell him no, that I just left a smokey club. (and its 3am!!) So he makes me put both of my feet together, stick one leg out in front of me and count to 30 going, "one, one thousand, two, one thousand ... " I am the clumsiest girl alive, I didn't think I was gonna make it. But I tried, and while the leg that was on the ground shook viciously, I counted, repeating in my head that if I fall I go to jail. By the grace of some higher being I made it the full 30 seconds and calmly dropped my leg to the ground. With that, the horn of his squadcar beeped. I think he had somewhere to be, so he told me to drive straight and go home. I got in the car and thought that I was going to die, I was shaking so hard I could barely turn it on. I drove the speed limit the whole way home and on Sunrise Highway Katy and I got into a huge screaming match over ridiculous shit. She just started doing her drunk Katy routine and I went off on her- I couldn't take it, it had been a long night. Luckily the girls chimed in and helped me shut her up.

She didn't remeber it the next mornign and I filled her in. She felt bad ... See, dad treats me so badly in situations that involve her, so I have this building resentment and she thinks it's towards her so she gets upset that I'm treating her wrong and picks fights with me. We are both at fault for our poor communication. Anyway, I made it home and got in bed by almost 5am and felt crappy on Saturday.

On Saturday Leah and I worked a private wedding with Oliver, which was pretty easy, then Sunday I worked a wedding at the club and by Sunday night I was SO beat! Just exhausted. Yesterday I putzed around and got some errands done then last night we went to Rob's, well me, Jackee, Annie and Leah. Katy met us there later. Jackee thinks he's trashy and too ghetto and that I could do so much better. The fact is she's right, and we are as different as night and day. I show up to his house in this long, flowy flowered skirt and I'm such a white girl, and he's dressed so different, listening to rap and shit but still, if he and I are okay with the drastic differences between us why can't she be? I'm not even that upset cause it's not like I'm dating him. I think this is a 95% physical attraction we have and that's why we hang out. I didn't have sex with him last night although I got pretty tempted ... I like hanging out with him and I can overlook the differences because he and I are both going to get what we want out of this. So that's that. I'm exhausted now. Time for bed.

LL

I spent that summer randomly driving my mom's car all the way out to Riverhead. I always made up reasons why there was no gas in her car. A few years later I told her what I'd really been up. The one time he did show up in Stony Brook, to a party at Annies ... well that was quite a night.

7/23/04 2:33pm

An excerpt-

On Monday night I went out to Riverhead with Leah, Leanne and Jenny to hang out with Rob, a guy I met when I was out one night. His house is awesome and his roommates are all really cool, but I don't think I was what he expected. As a matter of fact, I know I wasn't, but I like him, so we'll see where it goes. I am one of the most sarcastic people alive so the whole night he thought I was just being a mean bitch to him while I thought I was just kidding around. Needless to say we ended up having this loooooooong talk/heart-to-heart type of conversation, which was very draining for a girl like me who tries to steer clear of that kind of thing at all costs. I never knew some guys could be so sensitive, especially a young black guy whose covered in tattoos. Hmm, I guess some people surprise you! I am thinking I can look past his sensitivity if he can chill out like I told him to. We made up and he kissed my forehead, which was really cute, then we finished up the night with quite an intense make-out session that I have to say I am certainly looking forward to repeating. He lives all the way out in Riverhead though so I can't see him too often, but if I do get to hang out with him I'm gonna take it slow. I don't wanna sleep with him or anything, I wanna try to do things different this time. Too bad he can't be a keeper, I'm going back to school in just over a month!

On Tuesday we dragged most of the OFC staff to the Country Corner after work where I proceeded to get completely tanked. I didn't realize how drunk I was until we got back to Leanne's and I passed out on her bed fully clothed. I felt pretty shitty the next morning but nevertheless, we stopped by the Village Grocer to pick up some beer and we were off to a Yankees game. Yanks vs. Blue Jays. We came out on top, 10-2. Great game!! Gotta love the ball games! I worked yesterday and I am working today at three, but at the beach with Leah and Leanne and the weather is pretty shitty so I'm crossing my fingers for a decent time of it. Alright, there's my update. Having a great time, as usual.

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I can't believe I share this shit with the world.

Saturday, September 1st 2001

I wish I could just be different, someone else- but maybe just on the outside. I wish I could say that I was above all that shit, but I'm not, not even close. It's not fair, and I fucking know that life's not supposed to be, but I'm tired. I'm just tired. It's so sad, but if I had one wish, I'd wish that for just one day, even one hour, I could be one of those people that just walks down the street and doesn't need make-up, one of the beautiful ones. I'd give anything to know that feeling, and I also know that I never will. I went out with friends to see a movie tonight, and my whole night was ruined by that one realization.

Laura Leigh

When I went out this morning to grab coffee I hadn't washed my face yet. My hair was thrown up in a bun, and I was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, but no bra. Perhaps I've come too far ...

Monday, September 3rd, 2001

Dear Journal,

That shit I was just talking about on Saturday - one day I am gonna be over it! I'm gonna start today. Maybe I shouldn't be tired of the fact that I'm not gorgeous, or the fact that I'm not perfect, I should be tired of the fact that I'm just a scared little shit, tired of the fact that I never go after what I want, because I'm afraid of rejection, or afraid to fail. Fear is such a stupid reason not to succeed. I want something, I don't have to trample other people to get it, I just have to make myself a little more vulnerable- and it's time! I'm gonna do this MY WAY. Complicated or not, it's a small risk, one I should just take. If I start with one little one, eventually I'll be ready to take on the world. I've spent 16 years in comfortable surroundings, rejection or failure isn't fun, but they're lessons I'll learn eventually, why not now? I keep wasting precious seconds of my life being afraid, but if I just do it, then think about it later I may mess up sometimes, but I'll find out it's so much more fun!

Today the whole family went to my Uncle Danny and Aunt Kathy's house. Being with them is my comfort, my home. I can just laugh with them and play with them, and there's nothing to be afraid of. People who are always sad or mad or stressed scare me, don't they realize they're wasting their lives?

Laura Leigh

Taking into consideration that this was written by my extremely insecure 16-year-old self, I still think I was onto something. My friend Kel has this quote she lives by- we were actually just discussing it the other night- that I am starting to realize the impact of: "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" My insecurities then were more focused on being a teenage girl and feeling invisible and ugly, but those issues were manifesting themselves in every facet of my life. I think at this point I started to realize that I was missing the party, and that lots of ugly girls were having fun, so why shouldn't I just get the hell over myself? That may sound ridiculous, but I had to start somewhere. If I couldn't believe I was pretty, maybe I could forget that I wasn't.

June 2001 - "The Things I Wonder at 1am"

If we divided the good men from the bad, I sometimes wonder, which side would weigh out.

And if a life was measured by dreams come true, I wonder how many lives would break the scale, or how few, for that matter.

And if each soul was judged by the thoughts in their minds, how many of our angels would be filth?

If there is a hell can you redeem yourself? And is heaven only for the saints?

If I die tomorrow will I have left a mark in even just one single soul, or just some momentary tears on many faces?

I wonder, do these questions have answers, and I wonder, does God know me?

Laura Leigh

I got all of those philosophical questions out of my system by 16.

Saturday, May 5th 2001

Dear Journal,

I love May! This whole week the weather has been amazing! Warm and pretty! Next week is going to be stressful, I'm trying to pull my grades up for the last few weeks of school, and I have my AP exam this Friday - Yikes!

Although things rarely go perfectly, I'm feeling very positive right now. Life is just exciting, things happen, and I like that!

Even though I have tons to do this summer I'm glad it's on the way!

Laura Leigh

I worked hard in college, but honestly, that shit was way easier than the crap they stressed us out about in high school.

Saturday, August 25th 2001

Dear Journal,

Last night I worked at a wedding rehearsal dinner, then today I went to my cousin's Bride-to-be bridal shower, then tomorrow I am going to spend all day working at a wedding - I think I've had my fill of the whole marriage thing! It kinda makes you think about the future. Someday (I hope) that'll be my bridal shower, and my wedding rehearsal dinner, and my wedding. That's so crazy to think about! I'm a teenager, a day-to-day kinda gal. On the day-to-day note, I am so ready for fall, ready to go back to school, and ready to endure all the craziness that comes with it! It's gonna be hard- I've said that a million times- but I really feel ready. For the longest time I was dreading this year, the "most important year of high school," but that was because I was so certain of where I wanted to go to college, so afraid I had to make it in or life would be over. Now I feel different, not to say I don't care, I really do, but I'm gonna work hard and let life run its course, worrying and stressing can't change that. Paul and I discussed that tonight on our shopping trip. We, or I, picked out his fall wardrobe- it's awesome! But we both decided we didn't wanna waste our lives being sad, or worrying for that matter. It'll be fine!

Laura Leigh

Me and Paul, we just had it all figured out!