August 9, 2005

I'm on a plane to Long Beach right now, turbulence of course.
-Sidebar- sometimes I fear that I will carry this pain with me for all my days, that it will haunt me all of my life, and I wonder, will another person ever be able to restore my faith, or must I do this myself? These days I feel I can do almost anything, but that is quite a tall measure. There is only so much one can do alone, you cannot ignore the necessity of other people, the need for them to be a part of your life, and the need for their love. I am excited for September. I will move back to Boston and put on a brave face, but I know I won't be the only one who sees through it sometimes.
I can't make any predictions, one of the fascinating things about life is the way in which it changes directions, the experiences that don't go along with the plans you've made. I never thought I would be on a plane to California right now, headed to San Diego to visit Johnny's family for a week. I thought this August I would visit Sam. I really thought I would find truth in all of this, and I did, I certainly did, but I found the truth about myself, the truth within myself.
It sounds ridiculous, but it's what I have to take away.
Despite what many say we are not entirely in control of our own destinies. We have very little power, even over our own lives. What we do have is our ability to live, to connect with others, to communicate and share ourselves with the world. I know I have the intelligence within, I know I have the capacity to teach someone, to change someone, to brighten the lives of others. I also have the capacity to learn, to change myself, and to be brightened.
I have learned incredible things this year, some uplifting, some entirely heartbreaking, but now that my eyes are open, I never want to close them.

LL


So. Serious.