We've been having a blast here in San Diego. Far too much drinking of course.
I wish I could have more West Coast playtime. I'm going to miss Johnny. A lot.
LL
My August trips to San Diego were the best.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
August 10, 2005, 5:01am Pacific Time
You wanted it to be- so, so badly. But deep down, you knew it wasn't. You knew it never would be.
August 13, 2005
At the Castle we had a cigarette rolling contest on the pool table in the Vorburcht lounge. I recalled, while watching it, a time in Ryan's car on Nesconset Highway when he had taken up rolling his own smokes. He was speaking to me, fumbling with the stereo, and driving while rolling a cigarette.
I don't know that a day will ever go by that I don't think about the 'Sam thing.' I wish there was a better name for it. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY ... I truly wonder how far it is, but I don't worry, just wonder. I now know that nobody on earth, even my closest friends, will ever have the slightest idea what this was, what it meant, how it felt, how it hurt.
I don't have the power to make them understand. I don't.
It has been such a trip being home with Johnny- the people I've met, the places we've been, seeing what's his- a past that I will never really know, while we have our own world that they can never know.
I'm fascinated. Tired. Stoned.
LL
If one is to smoke, I feel they should roll their own cigs. Summer of 2005 was incredible, but I was so very sad.
I don't know that a day will ever go by that I don't think about the 'Sam thing.' I wish there was a better name for it. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY ... I truly wonder how far it is, but I don't worry, just wonder. I now know that nobody on earth, even my closest friends, will ever have the slightest idea what this was, what it meant, how it felt, how it hurt.
I don't have the power to make them understand. I don't.
It has been such a trip being home with Johnny- the people I've met, the places we've been, seeing what's his- a past that I will never really know, while we have our own world that they can never know.
I'm fascinated. Tired. Stoned.
LL
If one is to smoke, I feel they should roll their own cigs. Summer of 2005 was incredible, but I was so very sad.
August 9, 2005
I'm on a plane to Long Beach right now, turbulence of course.
-Sidebar- sometimes I fear that I will carry this pain with me for all my days, that it will haunt me all of my life, and I wonder, will another person ever be able to restore my faith, or must I do this myself? These days I feel I can do almost anything, but that is quite a tall measure. There is only so much one can do alone, you cannot ignore the necessity of other people, the need for them to be a part of your life, and the need for their love. I am excited for September. I will move back to Boston and put on a brave face, but I know I won't be the only one who sees through it sometimes.
I can't make any predictions, one of the fascinating things about life is the way in which it changes directions, the experiences that don't go along with the plans you've made. I never thought I would be on a plane to California right now, headed to San Diego to visit Johnny's family for a week. I thought this August I would visit Sam. I really thought I would find truth in all of this, and I did, I certainly did, but I found the truth about myself, the truth within myself.
It sounds ridiculous, but it's what I have to take away.
Despite what many say we are not entirely in control of our own destinies. We have very little power, even over our own lives. What we do have is our ability to live, to connect with others, to communicate and share ourselves with the world. I know I have the intelligence within, I know I have the capacity to teach someone, to change someone, to brighten the lives of others. I also have the capacity to learn, to change myself, and to be brightened.
I have learned incredible things this year, some uplifting, some entirely heartbreaking, but now that my eyes are open, I never want to close them.
LL
So. Serious.
-Sidebar- sometimes I fear that I will carry this pain with me for all my days, that it will haunt me all of my life, and I wonder, will another person ever be able to restore my faith, or must I do this myself? These days I feel I can do almost anything, but that is quite a tall measure. There is only so much one can do alone, you cannot ignore the necessity of other people, the need for them to be a part of your life, and the need for their love. I am excited for September. I will move back to Boston and put on a brave face, but I know I won't be the only one who sees through it sometimes.
I can't make any predictions, one of the fascinating things about life is the way in which it changes directions, the experiences that don't go along with the plans you've made. I never thought I would be on a plane to California right now, headed to San Diego to visit Johnny's family for a week. I thought this August I would visit Sam. I really thought I would find truth in all of this, and I did, I certainly did, but I found the truth about myself, the truth within myself.
It sounds ridiculous, but it's what I have to take away.
Despite what many say we are not entirely in control of our own destinies. We have very little power, even over our own lives. What we do have is our ability to live, to connect with others, to communicate and share ourselves with the world. I know I have the intelligence within, I know I have the capacity to teach someone, to change someone, to brighten the lives of others. I also have the capacity to learn, to change myself, and to be brightened.
I have learned incredible things this year, some uplifting, some entirely heartbreaking, but now that my eyes are open, I never want to close them.
LL
So. Serious.
Monday, January 3, 2011
August 6th, 2005
Last days in NYC have been a blast, yet they've had that 'impending' feeling - something's ending, something's changing, something's beginning too.
On Thursday a bunch of us went out for afternoon drinks at BBQ, which is always fun, I'll miss my afternoon buzz that always comes from giant pina coladas with an extra shot! We went out that night with Johnny's roomies, Katie and Kaitlin, and some of their friends. We had a great time. Leah and I were really stoned, so as usual we thought the two of us were the most fascinating people we came across. Leah and I always have the silliest, most ridiculous time. I can't believe we've been best friends for ten years- that's incredible.
Yesterday the two of us smoked two joints on my roof then went on quite an adventure to the MoMA, Museum of Modern Art. There was an incredible Cezanne/Pisarro exhibit that totally blew our minds! We just wandered around stoned and had a great time.
On a 4 train to the Bronx to meet Ryan and Jaine.
LL
BBQ + MoMA = class.
On Thursday a bunch of us went out for afternoon drinks at BBQ, which is always fun, I'll miss my afternoon buzz that always comes from giant pina coladas with an extra shot! We went out that night with Johnny's roomies, Katie and Kaitlin, and some of their friends. We had a great time. Leah and I were really stoned, so as usual we thought the two of us were the most fascinating people we came across. Leah and I always have the silliest, most ridiculous time. I can't believe we've been best friends for ten years- that's incredible.
Yesterday the two of us smoked two joints on my roof then went on quite an adventure to the MoMA, Museum of Modern Art. There was an incredible Cezanne/Pisarro exhibit that totally blew our minds! We just wandered around stoned and had a great time.
On a 4 train to the Bronx to meet Ryan and Jaine.
LL
BBQ + MoMA = class.
Saturday July 30th 2005
Johnny and I took a nice long walk down through Tribeca and to the pier and it was really, really nice. I made him take a picture with me that had the Statue of Liberty in the background. He'll be glad he did.
While we were sitting on a bench by the water he said, "Isn't it strange how before something happens you have an idea of what it's going to be, but it never turns out like you thought, and then you really can't remember what you had expected?"
It was funny that he said that because I think about it all of the time. I try not to get those ideas in my head any more, anticipate things in that way, but I think it's nearly impossible, it can't be helped. It's something we do. Nothing ever turns out the way I expect. That's not a bad thing. It just is.
I think I am becoming more comfortable with endings. I lived in the Castle, and after adjusting to that life, it ended, and I came back home. Then I moved in here. I took it for granted, seeing Johnny every day. Maybe not for granted, but I got used to it. Now this life I've adjusted to is ending. It all flies by so fast, so insanely fast. But I'm becoming more accepting of endings because they inevitably lead to new beginnings.
LL
Well, I'm certainly glad I made him take it ... although not so much on lady liberty, she's barely there.
July 27th 2005, 12:38pm
I just started crying a little at my desk.
I think it's important to find the silver lining on every cloud, and as hard as life has been at times over these past few months, I know I will always be okay - not only because I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible, but also because I have some amazingly loyal and loving people in my life who know the person I am, and who truly value me, as well as our friendship.
Life hurts sometimes; it can be brutal, but you can't have a rose without the thorns, and I can overcome the bad because the good is really beautiful.
Laura Leigh
I would say that it's so juvenile and mortifying to cry at your desk, but I'm pretty sure that I've done it like 3 times in the past month ...
I think it's important to find the silver lining on every cloud, and as hard as life has been at times over these past few months, I know I will always be okay - not only because I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible, but also because I have some amazingly loyal and loving people in my life who know the person I am, and who truly value me, as well as our friendship.
Life hurts sometimes; it can be brutal, but you can't have a rose without the thorns, and I can overcome the bad because the good is really beautiful.
Laura Leigh
I would say that it's so juvenile and mortifying to cry at your desk, but I'm pretty sure that I've done it like 3 times in the past month ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
