Tuesday, May 11th 1999

Dear Journal,

It's pretty pathetic to read my entry from Sunday, and then realize how I am feeling right now. I am rotting. Today was the worst day I have had in a long time! It's just torment. My mom thinks I I should go to a private school next year. Part of me is SCREAMING to, and the other part of me- I don't know, I just don't know. I would feel terrible leaving my friends, but then I think of myself, I don't want to feel like this, I don't deserve to feel like this. What terrible thing did I do to deserve to suffer so immensely? Every time I think about it I cry. Now ... It hurts so much and I don't know why. Even if I left I'd have to face them in Melville. Hmm, I am fourteen I shouldn't have to decide this, I shouldn't be so afraid to be there. But every day is suffering. Every day hurts. My poor friends, poor Leah, how can she put up with me, with the way I fluctuate? God, I hope she isn't hurting like this. I don't know. I don't know how to fix myself. Oh God, please just help me, please please please please please please please please please please please please PLEASE.

Laura Leigh

I guess I was having a bad day. I'm pretty sure that I blocked out most of 8th grade.

Wednesday, October 7th 1999

Dear journal,

Life is good! Leah and I talked to Ms. Levy today about what's been going on in cheerleading. She is going to do something about it! Practice today was SO much fun!! (Cheryl wasn't there) We did a lot of stunting and we had a jump contest - I was even in the top 5!! Yay, things are better. School is good, the weather is great, I am just in a great mood! Happy Happy Happy!

Laura HAPPY

Can you say Bipolar Bipolar Bipolar?!

Wednesday, January 5th 2000

Today I had such a fabulous day, no real reason why either, but everything just fell together.

I finally played well in volleyball and my *crush* is on my team, so that is good! Everything just worked out well today. I am finished media arts, I have everything done that needs to be done. Out of my six prints, I have A, B+, A, A, A, A+! On Friday night I might go to the mall with my friend Chris. The thing is, he is Jen's ex-boyfriend, and I don't know where my place is being good friends with him. I guess I am free to do what I want though. It's not like I stole him from a friend, her and I are not friends, and they broke up. The big thing I am worried about is him seeing me, I mean, he saw me on Halloween, but I feel kinda self-conscious, what if he thinks I'm terribly ugly?! Oh well, I guess I'll be alright ... I can deal.

God I am glad I had such a great day today! I needed one of these, badly!!

Laura Leigh

First off, the idea that I could ever use gym to reel in a guy is simply laughable. Second, if I was that worried about hanging out with a guy who was really just a friend, then it probably makes perfect sense that I never had any boyfriends. I was scared of them all, even the ugly ones.

Monday, March 31st 2003

Dear Journal,

Whoever said that March was "In like a lion an out like a lamb" is a complete idiot! It's snowing! Snowing! What the hell is that about?!! It's gonna be cold tomorrow, my 18th birthday. I know, 18, It's hard to believe. I still feel like a little kid! 18 is a grown-up and I am certainly not ready to be one!

On Saturday my parents went up to Poughkeepsie to have dinner with Ryan and Sylvia and they tried to make me believe that they were coming home the same night, but I've always been one step ahead of them. I knew full well that they were not planning on coming home, so I had people over. It wasn't a party, just a chill night. My parents didn't suspect a thing.

Tonight the girls came over and my mom made me my birthday dinner, The World's Greatest Tortellini and Death by Chocolate. We hung out for a while and then I went out with Annie and her cousin TJ and got completely stoned- hence my messy writing.

I need to pass out, what am I even wearing tomorrow?

Laura Leigh

Reenie and Drew do not screw around. No one is to set foot in their house when they are not there. And I didn't just get a little stoned, I got completely stoned.

April 2nd, 2005

Hippies on the grass.

Very hungover. Threw up in the museum. Ate chicken and french fries.

I love Munich. I love being surprised by a fabulous place. The sky is overwhelmingly blue.

The Sun Also Rises.

-LL-

I believe that was a note to read the book, which I later did.

April 1st, 2005

I'm 20!! I've been drunk since yesterday.

City of Contrast.

Hitler used Munich for nationalist socialist party. Beautiful city. Beautiful day. Drunk! Started Jaeger at 9am. As it should be. Back to the tour ...

____________________________________________________________________

My 20th Birthday in Munich. From what I remember it is literally the coolest day of my life thus far ... but the next day, wow, that was a tough one.

I cannot seem to track down any of the photos during the rage (It's probably for the best) so I've added a nice tame one from the when the drinking began ... the evening of March 31st.

Tuesday, November 30th, 1999

Tonight I was on AOL, and Amanda was all excited because this older guy had send her a naked pic of him - because she had lied about her age. Once she signed off I told him the truth. I ended up talking to him for a while about stuff, and he said I really got him thinking, that he'd liked talking to me. He made me realize that I am intelligent and insightful. A while ago I gave Jenn advice and she said to me, "Oh my God Laura, when you find a guy who is worthy of you he'll be so lucky!" I thought she was just saying it, but I realized she really meant it. I am very deserving of something wonderful, and I know that someday I'll find it. I shouldn't be ashamed to be so philosophical - I like me - and so do others. Life's not perfect, but who's is?

Laura Leigh

Uhhh. I'm not sure how to respond to my intelligence and insight. I suppose this gem of an entry speaks for itself.